addicted 2 chapstick

catpower just got harder to listen to

2008-01-24T00:35:00.001-05:00

"oh my god i can't believe this."
the girl behind the counter in the card shop couldn't believe it.
"heath ledger is dead!"

"what? oh my god! that is so sad!"
the lady in the fur coat with the too bright fuckme red lipstick couldn't believe it either.

"i am in shock."
they agreed that it was shocking and so sad.
then they began to discuss whether they thought it was drug-related or not.

i can't believe it either. i am standing in the greeting card aisle watching and listening to these women mourn the man who is now their favorite celebrity.

put down your people magazine because here is some real drug-related tragedy for you. three people whose lives crossed mine and baltimore and the people i love died this past week and that is a lot closer to you than hollywood will ever be.

one was a new father and one was a man that kissed me once
and burned me my first catpower cd and one was a woman i never quite knew but i had watched our paths cross several times.

these people were fucking young and they never knew they had a chance. or maybe they did but they were just too tired. sometimes you surrender and lightness is revealed. they surrendered and darkness swallowed them up. who is to say which one it will be? i don't know i don't think anyone does.

and THAT,

now that is truly sad.

choking on ego

2008-01-21T01:13:00.000-05:00

delete fucking everything would if i could. another down-swing and i plummet fast. trying to hold on close your eyes it will all be over soon but in the meantime fuck the meantime. fuck you fuck him fuck it.

i feel it all now and it is sometimes unbearable. the feelings wash over me warm and cool waves over my head down my face and into my chest knotting and twisting up settling in my throat waiting for release. it comes so easily now and i still fight it but it's a lot harder to hold it down. and i feel like i'm crumbling and i'm not used to this i'm not used to being unable to control this.

2008-01-10T15:12:00.000-05:00

i can never seem to get far enough away
while at the same time
it always feels too far

pretend not to look

2008-01-05T12:32:00.000-05:00

jabs of electricity
shudder through
when i look up
and catch
his gaze
across the room
we both pretend
we aren't looking

a special announcement brought to you on behalf of christmas

2007-12-26T11:50:00.000-05:00

i need to try in the morning before the coffee passes my lips and stirs up the neurons that scrape across the cheesegrater that makes up my mind. my clock doesn't work and in succession every light i hit on blows off and stays that way because how many of me does it take to change a lightbulb? none apparently i don't care leave them off. inspiration inspiration little glimmers coming back little sparks of light where there havent been in quite some time but the trick is heres the trick- just try to get a grasp on those slippery little shits its not easy i tell you. and heres the thing on another subject because i cant stick with just one subject because they all melt in and out amongst one another all the time- heres the thing- i know what i want and i know what i dont. its true ive finally figured it out. i want what i dont think is possible and i dont want it when i get it. typical right? right. exactly its true and ive always known it and nothing is changing that truth that ive noticed. its always been there and i fear it always will. and yes i know i know i know its not the right way to think i need to take off the shit-colored glasses of perception so to speak as they say and let go of the mentality the blame the role i place myself into again and again right. right right right i know i know but how do i make the know into the feel into the truth? maybe its just time to shut up.

2007-12-23T11:29:00.000-05:00

what if all the stars are just an illusion
and the truth lies somewhere between here and china
i guess we better find something else to wish on
and start digging

free rats

2007-12-16T12:26:00.000-05:00

i can't even tell you how many people have found my blog by searching for "naked ballerina." a whole lot. and i find it strange that they seem to linger to read it even when i don't have any pictures of naked ballerinas.

(burnt down dunkin donuts)

the pieces

2007-12-13T21:51:00.000-05:00

sometimes i am not sure what is the truth. what is my truth, as i would say if i wanted to say something like that, which i don't right now. when i am not sure what the truth is i feel like i'm regressing. but i don't even know what i mean by saying that.

my head has caught up with me it always does. i run and run and i look at school and i look at the dishes and i look at the cats and i look at the bills and i look at my friends' problems and i look at the job and the car and the men and the clothes and the money and everyone else and i don't i won't take a look at the truth because look at how busy i am.

and i don't even know what it's about because my head it churns it around and round and up and down and shreds what could potentially be the truth into little bits and pieces of nonsense that will not piece together because i don't even know where to start.

i feel that through this thing that i'm doing - this thing that i'm working towards- this fucking goal that offers the promise of something called a career- i feel like i am losing myself because i just don't have the time to catch up. and it always comes back to this, this place. and it terrifies me and what terrifies me is not that i find it terrifying it's that i find it so comfortable. and i know that this happens with me and i know it doesn't last forever and i know and i know but what i feel is not what i know and the feelings are what can be dangerous. or is it the lack of feeling- the apathy that i turn to because i am too fucking afraid to truly allow myself the fullness of feeling.

and i told myself i wouldn't go up in my head and here i am. it doesn't take much to get me there and i'm off to the races and the rest comes crumbling down and all of a sudden nothing is right and everything is too much and so much is just never enough.

my nostalgia

2007-12-06T15:04:00.000-05:00

We look at the world once, in childhood.
The rest is memory.

From Nostos,
by Louise Gluck

here are some things to think about

2007-11-30T16:11:00.000-05:00

yes i made this and submitted it to i can has cheezburger yes i know i need some fresh air. it started off as a joke and escaladed into obsession...

a collection of terrifying and mysterious found babydolls.

this is what they do.

more cat pictures by popular demand.

red trees in the mcneighborhood.

i need this bumper sticker.

large.

the WHAT of the lord?

jif peanut butter

2007-11-29T15:30:00.000-05:00

you know how back in the day they had those jif peanut butter commercials where the kid would open the jar and there'd be a heart carved into it? well i remember i used to hold onto the false hope that that heart would be there when we opened a new jar of peanut butter and it never was. and every time i'd be disappointed. and every time i'd be filled with the sinking sensation that if i wanted a heart carved into the peanut butter that i would have to be the one to do it. so i did but it was never as satisfying as i felt it should be.

there is nothing quite like the smell of dirty linen and dying and hospital food at 7 in the morning. and the moment when his nurse turns to me and says you know, i almost wish he'd expire while you're here so you'd get the experience of seeing what that's like. meanwhile i am looking at his eyes, fixed and dilated, wondering if he can hear her. wondering what the hell else people have said at his bedside while he lays there dying.

jeezus fuck

2007-11-25T15:35:00.000-05:00

so i somehow managed to pull a muscle in my neck/upper back or pinch a nerve or something that is very painful earlier today while WASHING MY HAIR. i guess i should have stretched before attempting to take a shower. i can barely move my head and have to twist my entire body in order to look in different directions.

i have been a crazyladyperson for several weeks now due to the horror-producing anxiety stress aneuyrsm that is the cardiac portion of this semester. altho i guess i can't use the word aneurysm anymore in that sense now that i know what it is.

ahh fuck i just want this school shit to be OVER. i am so sick of living in a world of stress and anxiety attacks on the regular. whenever i am studying i am thinking of other things i could do to further distract myself and every waking minute that im not studying i am guilting myself and telling myself what a goddamned whore i am for not studying. it is pretty vicious inside my head these days.

i talk about it so much that my friends are all like oh i'm sure you're fine, you are ALWAYS studying. what they don't seem to understand is that i am alwaying TALKING and OBSESSING about it, and spending ridiculous amounts of time at home alone not studying kind of like what i'm doing right now, and the actual time i am studying is pretty minimal. i read 2 paragraphs and i'm like WHEW i deserve a 3 hour break! ok time for more coffee.

MAKING IT

2007-11-08T14:53:00.000-05:00

coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffeeornaporcoffeeornaporcoffeeornaporcoffeeornap?

i cannot decide. either way i will have problems.

in other news, this!

CHICKENS MAKING IT WITH ONE ANOTHER. HA who says "making it"???

LOOK COCKER SPANIELS.

UH OH.
now THIS is different.
let's skip all the internal stuff shall we?

black pretend penis.
that is all for now. sorry i just felt like being 14 today. i am gonna go drink coffee now i think.

zipzipzip it up

2007-11-04T23:37:00.000-05:00

this past weekend

2007-11-01T14:18:00.001-04:00

<recent text message conversation>

murl: who do you think is gayer me or you?

kali: its a tie!

murl: we both took artistic pictures of hacks lil blue ramp

kali: oh my god i just laughed out loud

and for halloween.......
get yer rave on!

thank you ebay for the last-minute ridiculously large pants.

i made the necklaces myself. too bad you can't see what the letters say ("i love drugs" and "candy roll party")

i lost in the "most creative" contest to grapes tho. i guess i gotta hand it to her....

ritchie and margot tenenbaum won "best couple," as they should've.

come on now!! kali is talented. i think the floppy pink gloves were my favorite part.

sick

2007-10-30T22:46:00.000-04:00

i am sick and i am sick of it. sometimes tho i like being sick. don't get me wrong it sucks to be sick. but sometimes what i like is the fuzziness in my head, the way your head clouds when you are sick and sometimes it is almost similar to being stoned. is that sick? it is cloudy and muggy and the things you think about you repeat back to yourself in your head and it's almost like you can hear yourself saying it. and it reminds me a little of what it was like all those years sitting on the landing of the iron staircase off my parents kitchen chain smoking and scribbling incoherant works of profound genius in my stoner little notebook about being comfortably numb and quoting a bunch of pink floyd and shit, nodding in and out and coming to and seeing the amount of time i lost in the lump of ash that was dangling off the end of my cigarette. and remembering what it was like to have those little aha moments -that sounds like something oprah would say- where id realize my fucking potential and think things to myself about how fucking brilliant i was and for a moment i could see the truth about life and i just knew i was alone in it and at the same time hating myself so much so much wanting to fucking drive myself into head-on traffic because there was no hope that it would ever get better or that i would ever be not so fucking alone in it. its funny looking back and seeing how those two ends of the spectrum existed at the same time. but from what ive seen and the people ive known ive come to realize that those 2 viewpoints tend to go hand-in-hand it happens all the time. ive seen the greatest minds of our generation also tend to be the fucking stupidest. where did all this come from? i dont know i am sick i was just sitting here looking at my cat look at me and i started to remember some things.

my life

2007-10-26T22:16:00.000-04:00

this is what my cat does when i ignore him for 5 seconds. i do not have the energy to sort thru those papers they are killing me.

West Virginia!!!

2007-10-24T08:19:00.000-04:00

i went camping in west virginia this weekend. here.

ow

2007-10-16T22:07:00.000-04:00

i just got back from having an 8 year old tattoo on my back touched up and fuck me sideways with an anvil if that shit didn't hurt 3,000 times worse than the first time! fuuuuuuuuuuuuck. that is what i said over and over again in my head. trying to breathe, my nerves on fire, the pain deep deep down so intense shooting down my spine into my legs until i felt my insides shaking, praying for him to stop.

i was so tough tho. hahahahha no. no more back tattoos for me.. for now.

my 7 week stint in the psych ward is over, and i miss it. seriously. i knew the minute it started that this is what i should be doing. let's share a few moments of what it was like.

week 1
i walk over to the wide-eyed tall elderly man with the walker who is waving at me. he is pale and has red circles under his eyes.

me: hello,
him: I'VE GOT ARTHRITIS! -he has buck teeth and a voice almost identical to that of goofy, no lie-
me: oh..
him: I'VE GOT IT HERE, AND HERE, AND HERE, AND HERE! -he points to his knees and hips and various other body parts-
me: oh.. i'm sorry. are you seeing a doctor for that?
him: YEAH. the doctor gives me pills to take. he said to take one SO I TAKE 100 IS THAT BAD?! -he grabs my arm and stoops down, smiling at me-
me: you mean you take 100 milligrams?
him: NO.... he says take one SO I TAKE 100! IS THAT BAD?
me: well, i would think that if he said to take one then you should probably just take one pill, don't you think?
him: TODAY I TOOK 500! AND THEN I TOOK 1,000!
me: wow, that's an awful lot of medicine.
him: YUP!! -nodding and laughing-

week 2
i decide to go talk to the dude with the mustache sitting at the round table, staring into space.

me: hello, i'm [murl], ok if i sit down?
him: I CAN'T URINATE PROPERLY!
me: oh..
him: -slams his head down on the table-
me: ok, well, see you later.

AUGH FUCK i wrote like a fucking amazing novel here and it is gone gone gone it didn't save and computer died and FUCK BLARG.
oh well maybe i will try again another day- until then you will have to live in suspense.

my grandmother's journal

2007-10-04T15:58:00.001-04:00

the woman i was named after died when i was about 12. i have only vague memories of her. i remember visiting her in florida. i remember thinking that that is where everybodys grandparents went when they got old.

i remember her favorite color was yellow. everything in her house was yellow. and i remember she had 2 best friends. one of them lived in a condo where everything was blue because that was her favorite color. the other one liked pink so everything in her condo was pink. i remember thinking that is what you are supposed to do when you get old- decorate your condo in florida according to your favorite color.

i also remember her telling me to chew my food up real good everytime i was eating around her, i guess she said it to instill non-choking skills in me. whenever we would come to visit i would see all of my drawings on her refrigerator. years and years worth- she never threw them away.

so last weekend my mother tells that my nana kept 2 journals. one written about the dark times and one about the good times. she started them when she was in the hospital after having heart surgery. it has been nearly 15 years and my mom tells me about these journals. so i read them and felt.... i don't know i guess kinda emotional? i copied some excepts from them down. here is a little:

As I was growing up I started roller skaiting and ice skating and used to race the boys on the ice pond and I used to ride my bike out on Jericho turnpike before it was paved. All the roads were dirt and when it rained it was all mud.
Growing up I liked to dance and I would only date boys that were good dancers and I went to Catillians and many wonderful places to dance, like the Aster hotel and saw Frank Sinatra when he was young and skinny.

My sister was 10 years younger and real cute always wanted me to take her shopping for clothes and things and one night she wanted to go roller skating and there was a place called Pavillion Royal in Valley Stream that had changed to a roller rink with a beautiful big organ and we started to skate to the music and I saw this handsome man and he tripped me (I think) and he picked me up and I felt a thrill from my head to my toes and I knew he was the one for me (Joe C, Oct 4, 1938). I was going with an other fellow who was a teller in the fire Dept (Gerry Haggarty) and they both gave me bracelets for Xmas, one was silver that was Joe's and the other was gold. They both wanted to take me out New Years but I took Joe C after and dropped the other one and we went together for four years.
When we met, Joe's father had a stroke and couldn't work so we had to wait, finally we planned our Wedding for Nov 26, 1942, it was a small one, not being Catholic we could not get married in church so we had the marriage in the Priest's Room and the reception with only the family in a lovely Restaraunt, it was Thanksgiving Day so of course we had turkey and my Uncle Frank played the Piano.

church sign sunday part 2

2007-09-16T19:16:00.001-04:00

remember SILVER SPOONS?

2007-09-12T13:36:00.000-04:00

here we are-
face to face
a couple of SILVER SPOONS!
hopin’ to find,
we’re two of a kind
making a go,
MAKING IT GROW!!

TOGETHEEERR!!!!
we’re going to find our waaaay
TOGETHEEEERR!!!!
taking the time each daaaay
to learn all about-
those
things
you
just
can’t
buuuuyy!!

it popped into my head a few weeks ago and i thought it was gone...

but i was sick this weekend. fever and everything. and i shit you not everytime i get a fever i remember the episode where ricky wanted to fake sick and stay home from school so he told his dad he had a fever and so he took the thermometer when his dad wasn't looking and held it up against the light bulb except he fucked it up because it went up to 104 or something.

so i remember i tried the same thing when i was a kid. i can't remember if it worked or not. so yeah, this is what springs into mind whenever i have a fever. funny the shit my brain holds onto all this time later.

enjoy the following blast from the past.

sorry kali i know you've heard enough about silver spoons. this is the last of it i promise.

church sign tuesday

2007-09-11T22:33:00.000-04:00

i keep forgetting to keep up with my "church sign sunday" posts that i did that one time. so fuck it here is one for tuesday.

filth and dereliction

2007-08-25T18:33:00.000-04:00

here is a haiku:

listen up here cat
i will be forced to shave you
please stop shedding now

the other day the disgustingness that i had let my apartment become was overwhelming me to the point that i had to do something. but first i decided to take some pictures because that was fun. i told myself that maybe by having the pictures to look at i would become motivated to actually clean. but then i took a nap because the idea of cleaning is very exhausting.

today i finally did it. it took everything i had, and i even did 300 loads of laundry. it was a productive day. i assure you tho, my sink is full AGAIN. it happened like 5 minutes after i did the dishes. i swear i just had a cup of coffee and the next thing i know, there was a monstrosity in my sink.

HIP HIP HOORAY for the pez dispenser collection, FINALLY back on display! if you count you will notice that there is the EXACT SAME NUMBER of pez guys on each shelf. also note: there can not be 2 of the same color standing next to each other anywhere. shit, at least i didn't group them into categories- I'M NOT THAT OBSESSIVE!

i am irritated that there is so much blank space in my stupid layout here.
<---------------- see? it makes my paragraphs take up a lot of space and this bothers me.

i do not know how to change this. i imagine it has to do with not having one of those custom blogger layouts but i do not know how to do fancy computer stuff. please point me in the right direction if you know how to do this.

you are the parking lot champion

2007-08-25T00:04:00.000-04:00

you know what is funny? i was looking at these pictures thinking, oh my, i should certainly blur out this person's license plate if i am going to post this on the internet.

and then i realized, RICH PRICKS who ruin MY PARKING SPOT at 8am when i am going into work certainly deserve to be exposed on the internet.

also, i have found interesting ways to help pass the time at this job. camera manual-setting experimentation time!

let's pretend we go to art school

2007-08-21T18:10:00.000-04:00

Church Sign Sunday part 1

2007-08-12T17:22:00.000-04:00

hairless cat with a fucked up rash

2007-08-11T11:56:00.000-04:00

do you know what it feels like to pet a hairless cat?make that a hairless cat with a fucked up rash. if you know what that is like then you know what it feels like to pet my arm.

so back to the whole purple thing, my friends are all, yeah, you should probably shave or nair your armhair so that the paint goes on and looks better. which for some reason made perfect sense to me at the time. i was like OH OF COURSE. because sometimes i am not very smart.

well it is just now growing back but i have a really FUCKED UP rash and i'm not sure if it's a result of the veet i used or the purple. i am rather self-conscious about my fucked up rash because i feel as tho it points out to the world, LOOK I SHAVED MY ARMHAIR. and i would rather that the whole world not think that i shaved my armhair (you would think that feeling this way would prevent me from forcing everyone to pet my arms but it doesn't). and it's not like if i were to explain to the whole world WHY i don't have armhair it would sound much better. oh well.

so i was going to write a whole post on what it was like to walk around a festival with thousands and thousands of people all over the place while wearing a bathing suit and being painted purple. but i dunno, the magic has kinda worn off by now and i'm not really feeling it. i will sum it up i guess.sometimes i felt ok in a this is kinda liberating/fun/out-of-body/artsy kind of surreal way and then every so often i would feel a surge of panic and realize what i was doing and think what the FUCK am i doing?? this is ridiculous and bizarre and EVERYONE IS STARING AT ME OH GOD EVERYONE IS STARING. and then after a few minutes i'd forget and be ok again. LISTEN this sort of thing for me is NOT easy to do sober. also without smoking. i wanted to smoke because then at least i would have had SOMETHING to do with myself.peoples' reactions were mixed. sometimes we'd walk by people and they'd say WOW AWESOME! and high five us and that was nice. other people would come up with crinkled up faces and say all snotty-like uh, why are you guys all painted?also people were constantly taking pictures. this is a weird thing for me. when it was just random drunks i would make ridiculous death-metal faces and strike insane poses. my signature was the mary katherine gallagher "SUPERSTAR."this one always went over very well.

however when photographer people wanted to get pictures of all us together i was like OH FUCK because i have no idea how to do that sort of shit. i blame my mom because she ONLY took posed pictures where my brothers and i would have to stand side by side for like 10 minutes in front of a certain bush outside or against a special wall or something that she felt would make a particularly perfect backdrop while she tried to figure out how to operate the camera. our faces always turned to stone so that is the only thing i know how to do in these situations. then people always say shit like what's wrong? you look ANGRY. i never understand why they would think that until i see the actual pictures.

also i cannot SMILE on demand. as soon as i realize that a camera is on me my face contorts into some horrible configuration that tyra banks would be ashamed of. my mom always called it "the smirk." year after year i would bring home my school pictures and my mom would freak out: OH NO [MURL] it's the SMIRK again!!! why can't you just SMILE like a NORMAL PERSON??

so the other girls were launching into these cute/sexy-type poses and i was standing there wanting to die. HELLO how much more OUT OF YOUR ELEMENT could you be murl? those were the moments that i realized i would never be america's next top model.

wow i wrote a lot more than i thought i would.

my armpits are still somewhat purple

2007-08-07T11:03:00.000-04:00

someone please tell me why i keep buying bagged lettuce. you know, the type for salads. i never use it and then a week later i remember that it is there and it is nasty brown and makes the refrigerator smell like rotting vegetable carcass.

so i did something a bit out of character this weekend. i agreed to walk around the virgin festival on sunday in a bathing suit covered in purple body paint which was then tagged over by graffiti artists.
uh, what? yes.

i will tell you why this is an especially unusual thing for me to do. several reasons:

1. i don't like festivals. crowds freak me out. especially massive ones. also i cannot handle the nasty heat and humidity. this, in combination with the hoards of people surrounding me makes me feel like i am dying. oh and drunk people fucking suck to be around when you are not drunk.

2. i have trouble being in a bathing suit sometimes, even when i am AT THE POOL or BEACH or a place like that where EVERYONE ELSE is is a bathing suit as well. so you can see how doing this at a place where i am one of very few people in a bathing suit amongst a crowd of several thousand who are not wearing bathing suits could be difficult.

3. i am weird about attention. i am much more comfortable being a people-watcher than a people-interacter-er. i am used to not really being noticed by people i don't know. don't get me wrong, i am an attention whore when it is a one-on-one type of setting, but when it comes to groups of people, then no.

4. i feel as tho purple isn't really the best color to complement my skin tone.

first let's talk about the night before. patrick (formerly known as the "crazy maniac behind the wheel" and "pete" altho now he knows about and has commented on my blog so i can use his real name) got us into the festival for free and VIP on saturday by knowing a famous person. this is why it is always good to know famous people. well we had trouble getting in because OF COURSE they couldn't find our names for 2 hours because they couldn't figure out how to look at a list, i guess.

so we got to go back and watch from the side of the stage while his famous friend's band performed. YAY AWESOMENESS. at one point i looked over at the hot dude playing with a set of drumsticks sitting next to me and we exchanged a brief smile and then i thought OH SUPER AWESOME because i realized he was with tv on the radio, one of my new favorite bands ever. but don't worry, i played it totally cool like i didn't even know because that is how cool i am.

p.s. that is a great way to meet people that you want to meet, by the way. just act like you don't even notice them because you are so cool. when the rest of the band came and were hanging out backstage patrick told me i should get a picture and i had to tell him that i couldn't because that would out me as uncool and i couldn't risk it. of course now i wish that i had.

then we got to go back to the special important people area where EVERYONE was totally COOL and got free food and sat on couches outside. but when we left to go see tv on radio perform we didn't have patrick's famous friend with us so we were no longer allowed into the cool people areas. SHIT. later we ran into my friends who were wearing bathing suits and painted different colors of the rainbow (promotional gig my friend is starting up- in this case promoting the skatepark of baltimore). they were short one girl/color and asked if i'd like to do it the following day. HELL NO i said.

over the next few hours i thought about it and said things to patrick like, i could never do that...do you think i should do it?...i can't do that...i CANNOT walk around in a BATHING SUIT are you kidding me?...maybe i should do it...i really wanna see the yeah yeah yeahs tomorrow...but i have a RESEARCH PAPER to write...i think i'm gonna do it.

ok more later i am tired and have to go avoid my research paper that is due thursday some more.

dear the 3 people who sometimes read my blog,

2007-08-04T11:34:00.000-04:00

you should totally get this book by dave white. it is so hysterical that i actually was all LOL and shit. and trust me if i- someone who isn't really into expressing human emotions even if it is just in front of myself- would go so far as to actually laugh audibly, sitting here alone in my home (let alone lower myself by using the term "LOL ") than it MUST be pretty damn funny.in other news, did you know that baltimore's slogan is- prepare yourself for the genius- "GET IN ON IT." yes, wow.they spent 1/2 a million bucks coming up with GET IN ON IT. i think that is just pure amazingness. they try to say that 500,000 was worth it to spend on GET IN ON IT, because it will demand more tourists to come here and spend their money at the fucking inner harbour, which will pay us back like tenfold. uh, i don't know, maybe you could have used the 500,000 to fix the fucking pothole-ridden streets, or maybe put some streetlights up in the ghettos or make an ATTEMPT at ACTUALLY DOING something to benefit this city. here is what baltimore.org says regarding the "research" that was spent brainstorming this phenomenal phrase:

"Our new brand identity didn't just happen. It was guided and informed by months of market research and consumer testing... After 10 months of careful research, thinking, testing and tweaking, our wonderful logo and a memorable themeline emerged."

TEN MONTHS OF CAREFUL THINKING what could be more obvious? i would like to meet this panel of braniacs.HA i don't know who originally created this image i found it on myspace.

baltimore seems to have a history of amazing slogans. like this:indeed.

i looked around but couldn't find any park benches that still had "BALTIMORE THE CITY THAT READS" with a homeless dude sleeping on them like i saw during the first few years that i lived here. i shit you not.

tim hawkinson

2007-07-30T00:36:00.001-04:00

just wanted to let you know that this guy is a fuckin genius (see more here). saw a show of his at the whitney museum in NYC 2 years ago and it blew me away (review of what i saw). i desperately need to see his stuff again!!

bird made of fingernail clippings:

once upon a time we took acid and missed the dolphin show

2007-07-28T17:07:00.000-04:00

it was one of those drugs that i had decided i wouldn't mess with anymore. it just wasn't really fun like it used to be. the magic had kinda soured and every time i'd do it i'd say okay, it's getting too weird i can't do this anymore. but i always forgot that part.

my friends asked if i wanted to take acid with them and go to the aquarium. i hesitated for 0.78 seconds and i said well sure. this had always been an aspiration of mine in back in highschool- to trip at the aquarium- but i never got to fulfill it. so it seemed like the right thing to do.

so we went and by the time we stopped at the gas station it was starting to kick in. i realized this when i noticed we had been sitting in front of the gas pump for 20 minutes and had forgotten what we were doing and no one was sure whether or not we had actually pumped the gas yet. mary was the only one who wasn't on acid so she was trying to coordinate us but it was not an easy job.

we managed to get to the aquarium. only $5 on fridays after 5. i sat on a bench waiting for someone else to purchase the tickets, because i knew i couldn't do it myself. i didn't think i would be able to get thru the process efficiently enough. i watched people walking by and then i saw him. it was bill nye the science guy leaving the aquarium. he had a briefcase in his hand and his head was massive. BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY i say and he looks up at me without breaking a stride and says "hey hey" and he keeps walking.
i looked around to see if anyone else was as excited as i was about my bill nye spotting. no one else seemed impressed. did you guys see that- it was bill nye the science guy!? they nod but obviously aren't as wowed by it. he seems a lot friendlier on TV. he sure wasn't very friendly. man, he has a huge head did you see the size of his head??

i continue to say bill nye the science guy over and over, every few minutes throughout the remainder of the evening. "YEAH WE KNOW, bill nye the science guy, WE SAW HIM TOO." mary said at some point.

once we get in we lose jeff. he was mad that we missed the dolphin show so he stormed off ahead of everyone.

it is dark in there and everything is illuminated by the tanks. i find myself lost in the fish. at some point i realize that my face is smushed against the glass of a tank, and that was not a normal thing to do. i look around to see if anyone is looking at me and see a little kid next to me with his face smushed against the fishtank. i am just like a child i think.. say? did i just say that out loud?

i make my way up an escalator into the "rainforest." as you go up the room opens up. vines are hanging down and birds are chirping and everything is out in the open (little monkeys if you look closely). i start having what i think is some important revelation about how now that i'm entering the rainforest everything is out in the open and touchable, whereas behind me everything is behind glass. at the moment i think this a bug flies up my nose.

my brain nearly exploded when this happened because i felt like the bug was proving my point by interacting with me in this manner. this became a very important moment for me- i felt like i had really figured out something that was a secret to everyone else. i couldn't wait to tell everyone about the bug flying up my nose.

2 hours later mary came and found me staring at sloth hanging from a tree and dragged me out of the rainforest, saying that the aquarium was trying to close for the night. a bug flew up my nose! i tried explaining it to her she didn't get it. the bug thing replaced my bill nye mantra.

we get to the end of the aquarium and see jeff sitting behind the information desk.
mary: "what the HELL are you doing??"
jeff: "i'm giving people information."
mary: "jeff YOU DO NOT WORK HERE."
she finally convinced him to get up and leave with us. he kept insisting that he was just trying to help people- that the information desk was empty so he figured it was up to him to provide the information that people may need. he said he gave some couple a map. god knows how long he had been sitting there providing his services.

we leave and are headed back to jeff and jenny's apartment and i am thinking things to myself like okay that was fun i am ready to come down now i just need to come down. and we get back and then people started showing up at the apartment. uh how did this happen i don't want to deal with a party....okay well i'll be fine as long as i come down- that's it i'm just gonna chill and come down.

so maybe 10 minutes? later i am in the bathroom looking at my face in the mirror and i'm all clammy and my left eye looks like it's upside-down like a picasso painting or something which always happens when i take fucking acid and i'm staring at my eyes- they are black and glassy all pupil, i keep feeling my hair it's stringy and doesn't feel like it's mine and then SHIT i think i just took some pills what did i just take? i try to remember what happened i bought some pills from some girl and then i took them WHAT DID I JUST TAKE? WAIT i wanted to come down AUGH FUCK.

i am pissed at myself and confused- how did this happen? i stare at myself in the mirror and i don't recognize who i see and for a second i can see how out of control it is and i don't know why i keep doing this.

i manage to get out of the bathroom and i fall sink into a recliner and watch everyone. in and out in and out people coming and going and i can see through them i can see right through them and they don't know what the fuck they're doing either. i can see it clear as day, the things they are trying to cover up, their insecurities, their motives, and it disgusts me. for the next howevermany hours i sink deeper and deeper into the chair, seeing the sad truth in everyone- they passed by me in slow motion and it was all so clear what we were doing and i wanted it to just be okay but i had a horrible sinking feeling that it wouldn't be.

angie saw me sitting there and what i was doing- she pulled me out of the chair and took me into an empty room and she just talked and talked, she pretty much told me her life story until i was able to start talking and interacting again. i was really glad she came along and coaxed me out of the bad head trip. i decided i couldn't keep doing this shit, i just couldn't handle it anymore. she probably agreed with me i can't really remember.

wouldn'tcha knowit but the very next night so and so got some really good pills or coke or whatever it was and well, whatever fuck it let's go.

bunny porn

2007-07-26T23:39:00.000-04:00

this is probably the most amazing video i have ever taken. i was bunny-sitting my friend's stinky little relentless bunny oliver, who was totally obsessed with lilly, my fat-ass cat. the best part is at the end...

and bingo was his name-o

2007-07-25T13:23:00.000-04:00

the kid: tita meel? (tita= filipino word for aunt, altho we are not actually related...)
me: yes?
the kid: we gonna crash?
me: no.
the kid: we gonna crash meel?
me: no. we are not gonna crash.

-5 minutes later-
the kid: we gonna crash meel?
me: no
the kid: meel?
me: yes?
the kid: we gonna crash?
me: no that's not going to happen.
the kid: cars crash!
me: OKAY but NOT US.
the kid: we gonna crash daddy?
crazy maniac behind wheel: no, no crashing today.
me: just because your daddy's maniacal driving is giving tita meel an anxiety attack does not mean that we're gonna crash.
crazy maniac behind wheel: (glares via rear-view mirror)

this is how quite a bit of our 7 hour drive from baltimore to providence rhode island went on thursday. well, it got a lot worse (not the kid's questions, more like the maniac's road-rage vs. my backseat-driving)

i don't think the kid was asking if we were going to crash based on anything that was ACTUALLY happening. it's more like he is obsessed with cars, the movie cars, playing cars, and talking about cars crashing. but after the millionth time of him asking if we were gonna crash it started getting a lil creepy.

this is the 37th time he sang the bingo song:

my plan was to write my essay for my stupid english class during the ride. over the course of 7 hours, i wrote 1 sentence. than, i actually ended up changing the topic of the essay and wrote a new sentence. now the essay is due tomorrow and i will have to write it tonight (at least that killer sentence is out of the way) because this is really the only way i get things done. give me a 7 hour time frame one week before it's due? not gonna happen. i can ONLY do it the night before (after i decide to do some blogging).

so i got my squirrel tattoo finally (credit to steve williamson @ artfreek tattoo). that's right a squirrel. modeled from beatrix potter's "squirrel nutkin." i decided that i would need a good story to tell people when they ask why i got a squirrel. because trust me, just telling people i was getting a squirrel prompted so much annoying explaining that i have to come up with something good. because PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW. like on miami ink- apparently the way to get tattooed on the show is by having some long heartbreaking story that goes along with your tattoo. either that or you have to be a miami cheerleader type in a bikini, boobs flying everwhere, in which case when they get to they whole, "so tell me, why are you getting a mermaid on your inner thigh?" part the chick goes into some explanation as to the significance of what mermaids mean to her and how it will affect her life and give her the confidence she needs to get up and face the world type of shit AHAHAHAHA.

so here is my idea (because i have noticed that saying "i don't know, i guess i just like squirrels" doesn't seem to satisfy people). i will say that one time i had a dream that i was walking through the forest, alone and cold and scared. and then a squirrel appeared in my path and told me it was going to protect and guide me. that it would sit on my shoulder and guide me through life as my spirit animal. and then i woke up and have felt like an inner peace even since and that i just knew i had to capture the squirrel and keep it with me forever, permanently etched on my body, it's spirit walking with me forever. too much?

the kid wanted a lion tattoo. we had to work around some paperwork/legality stuff but we got the job done.
oh yeah and we stayed at my friend's (the crazy maniac who drove) parents' house and they collect insane artwork, like this lady's head growing out of the flower (vagina symbol? i don't know).

and also, this....whoa.

english 10gofuckyourself

2007-07-17T18:58:00.000-04:00

so i am bitter because i am in fucking english 102. a 5 week summer class. so that means 4 days a week for 2 hours in the middle of the stupid day. ARRRGGGHHH. this is what i say every day in numerous text messages while sitting in this stupid class. let me tell you why it is so fucking stupid.

ok so the teacher is not any good at teaching. it is kinda sad because i can tell she wants to be all dead poets society and be all inspirational and shit but it comes across as just fucking annoying. first of all she has no idea how to command respect so everyone is online (we are in the computer lab) while she is talking and every so often she'll say, "um, could you please not do that right now because i really don't want you guys to miss anything meep meep meep...." trailing off nervously.

it is hard to witness. so i try to pretend to listen because i kinda feel sorry for her but then she starts trying to start discussions and interjects her political beliefs and brings up really annoying controversial shit and then the ex-marine tattooed guy who i thought was cute until he became a total i know everything type guy has to pipe up to set her straight and then the fucking big religious chick has to put in her 2 cents and talk about the bible this and the bible that and one time in the bible....blablabblabalabalbaabla.

and i sit there and clench my face until it hurts and try to space out but all i can think of is what a waste of time and money and energy and how mad i am because i am there. because the worst part is that i am halfway thru nursing school and then they are all hey you don't have english 102 you need to take it to graduate and i'm like are you kidding me i have already written 3976449 papers i took english 8 fucking years ago?!?!

AND she puts us in FUCKING GROUPS every day and jeezus gah we have to sit there and discuss shit that we read and then announce what we came up with to the class. so today in my group i decide that i am not going to make the first move and speak up and have to do all the talking in my stupid little group so i wait and look at the 3 other people and they are just sitting there all nervous or something not wanting to talk to anyone so i decide to see how long it will last. 5 minutes later i can't take it anymore and say "SO, what do you guys think?" ugh and it is like this EVERY DAY.

lets talk about medication that's fun right?

2007-07-15T13:09:00.000-04:00

it has been hard to write for like 10+? years now. saying anything about anything with the phrase "for like 10 years now" feels awful strange. but anyway, it has been hard. in a way that is so frustrating and maddening that i want to just give up.

i know it is still in me somewhere and it pisses me off to think that maybe what is holding me back is the shit that i take that initially saved me that i now resent for giving me this fucking apathy and what, may i ask is worse? i can't tell. maybe none of that is even true. maybe i am just fucking lazy and all i have to do is try and i'm just giving up without even making an effort.

i cannot tell anymore i am really sick of it.

i watched a show on discovery health the other day called "coma" and it was about these people coming out of comas and they were explaining the difference between a "vegetative state" vs. a "semi-conscious state." basically what you want is a semi-conscious state because that means there is hope. and the whole thing was so fucking heartbreaking and its like thank god it's not my brother who fell off a bridge and is now a fucking vegetable and just sits there in his wheelchair and everyone is staring at him and showing him pictures and looking into his eyes and trying to find something that the doctors tell them just isn't there anymore and every day it is like this for this family. and every so often he just starts crying but he doesn't communicate, can't respond to anything.

and it is just so painful to watch and throughout the show they are saying that once a year has passed like this the hope is basically nil. and the docs are telling the family they are going to cut down on his physical therapy to 3 times a week and his family freaks out because they are being told essentially that the hope is gone and and it just went on and on like this. i cannot even imagine.

anyway i should be grateful, right?

2007-05-07T22:44:00.000-04:00

ok so i just reread all my archived blogs and i am tempted to delete everything. this is why i can never keep journals.

on productivity

2007-04-20T14:00:00.000-04:00

this is what every morning is like.

i wake up and drink coffee. it is all i have left. once it takes effect (depends on how late in the day i get up. the later= the better the drug action) i feel REALLY INSPIRED to fix everything in my life. so like today i am feeling all good and motivated and i'm all ok, when i leave school today i am going to go and finally buy a drill so i can put up that shelf so i can put up my pez dispenser collection. it will be so greAT YAY!

so i go to school and i leave and i go to home depot and am getting very excited about the tool i will buy. because i am butch.

and i decide i don't wanna fuck this up. i will ask some home depot dude for advice for the best drill i can get for under $50. why not. so the only dude available is this 18 yr old jerk who does not make eye contact and works at home depot because he thinks he is manly. but i ask him anyway and he's like, "well, if you're just hanging curtains or whatever, than this one should be fine." EXCUSE ME DID YOU JUST SAY CURTAINS???

like i came in with my hair in rollers in a yellow sundress and strappy little sandals with a freshly baked apple pie in my hand?? GO FUCK YOURSELF DUDE. you have no idea you little twerp i am 12 times the man you are OH and i'm mounting big manly shelves to my walls by myself I CARRY FUTONS UP AND DOWN 2 FLIGHTS OF STAIRS BY MYSELF JUST FOR FUN!

ok so maybe he hit a nerve in my insecure ass because i spent my whole childhood life trying to prove myself to my older brothers but whatever so back to my day...

so i come home and plug in the charger for the drill and get out the shelf and the pez dispenser collection and realize that the shelf is not big enough, i need a second shelf and AUGH i was RIGHT THERE why didn't i GET ANOTHER SHELF BLARG MY DAY/LIFE IS RUINED. even tho there are PLENTY of other things i have been meaning to do for when i have a whole day to myself, instead i turn on the computer and spend the next 3 hundred hours online doing NOTHING. oh well.

on the rampage

2007-04-16T15:14:00.000-04:00

saturday i woke up in an awful horrible mood and stayed that way for a while. i had a dream that contributed to it, i think. the only part i remember was when i was in this room filled with people and apparently we were auditioning for something. anyway everyone had to sing one at a time and i was really anxious because i don't/can't sing. so i start singing and my voice sounds all weird and really low, like a guy. and EVERYONE turns around to stare at me and laugh. i think some people were even pointing. and i felt totally humiliated and traumatized.

so at some point during the day (not the dream anymore) i went to CVS and i guess some cunt in an SUV did me a HUGE favor by not driving on top of me while i was pulling into my parking space because she rolls down the window and screeches "YOU'RE WELCOME!" at me and i just looked at her via my rear-view mirror in disbelief. don't get me wrong, i get mad when i don't get a courtesy wave but it's not like she deserved one. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO WAIT FOR PEOPLE IN FRONT OF YOU ASSHOLE. she obviously did not know who she was screaming at because as i stormed into CVS i knocked over some leftover easter candy and did not even pick it up. THAT'S RIGHT YOU HEARD ME.

i don't think my ionic air purifier is working

2007-04-11T00:33:00.000-04:00

i know you think you're hurting me
i could hear it in your voice and imagine it in your eyes
but what you don't know is that it's already been done
it started long ago and
let me just tell you that the way i've hurt myself is far greater and much deeper than i'd ever let you get

honey it's just a tear in the skin
you won't even notice the scar
but oh
it's the internal bleed
and the apathy i just can't shake

cut her open and pull out the person inside

2007-04-06T10:25:00.000-04:00

hi.

i have been very neglectful of my little blog here. i think one of my problems is that i get online and start reading everyone else's blogs and then 2 hours later i am like all depressed and shit because i have been on the internet for 2 hours instead of doing whatever it is i had set out in the 1st place (like school stuff or having a life or something). i also get depressed when i read some blogs and i'm like these people are awesome writers i have nothing of interest to say and wah wah i suck blah blah poor me and my boring life. which is bullshit i know but i still do it. o and thank you guys for commenting on me and telling me to write some shit again and all. it was good to know that people were actually interested in reading the stuff that leaks outta my head.

and i realize now that when i get online i lose all self control and cannot stop and then i feel guilty and lame. GUILT RUNS MY LIFE. that is not entirely true but i'm sick of feeling that way. i am going to try to stop blaming the fact that i was brought up catholic but notice how i just mentioned it? passive-aggressive. HA CATHOLICISM TAUGHT ME THAT TOO! ha just kidding. sort of.

i have been debating with myself too about starting a new totally anonymous blog that i can be totally candid with and write whatever i want to without thinking about what people who i actually know would think if they found it. and then i am like, whatever, i should be able to to do that here and fuck what people think. i'm still not sure. like maybe what if i want to go into great detail about my vagina or something and then i am like, no, don't do that because what is so and so reads this and then he knows about my vagina. whatever. we'll see.

o man lemme just tell you that school has been INTENSE these past 2 weeks. the first week was 5 days straight of 6 hour LECTURES with short little breaks here and there. we are in maternal-newborn and i have nothing but uteruses and cervixes and placentas and terms like fundus and vernix caseosa floating thru my head all the time. literally.

it is crazy. i was really worried about this portion of nursing school because i am like, i know nothing about pregnancy ack scary. but it has been actually pretty cool.

yesterday i got to see a cesarean and it was awesome. i never thought i'd be so excited to see them cut a woman open and pull a baby out.seeing it on the video you are all like OH MY GOD ICK AUGH ARG WHOA but then in real life you are like, right, okay, this is just how it goes. it was surreal. i mostly just tried to stay outta the way because there were 3 million people in there. the mom was under general anesthesia, so they were worried about the baby and had to work fast because the baby gets the anesthesia too. there was 1 anesthesiologist, 2 nurses from the NICU (neonatal ICU), 2 doctors and 2 nurses who actually were in on the surgery, 1 scrub nurse (who hands the docs the instruments and such), my instructor, and myself. it was impressive.

i actually kinda missed the best part when the baby's head emerged (like something out of Alien) because one of the doctors needed a stool to stand on because she was short so i brought it over and stuck it under her. the baby was all purplish-blue and the NICU nurses were taking care of him for the 1st 5 minutes until he pinked up. then i got to check him out and put the ointment in his little eyes take all his measurements and give him a vitamin k injection into his little leg muscle which really pissed him off.

i am still scared to death sort of of seeing a regular birth. like i have never been through it so how can i really help comfort someone who is trying to push a person out of their body? i'm sure it will be fine tho.

ok i have GOT to go take a shower and get an oil change. bye.

bleeeechhhh

2007-03-10T21:02:00.000-05:00

feeling bad in an i don't know why kinda way. hating everyone. i don't even think i have pms so i don't know what it is.

i want to get the fuck away. and be alone and sulk. that's not true but it's easiest.

i started thinking about how i should get irish citizenship so then i could go to ireland or anywhere in europe and live and work there and have adventures. except i'm worried that i'm too lame these days to have decent adventures.

i ate 4 cadbury cream eggs today.

my fucking teeth hurt really bad at random times during the day and i'm worried my dentist did something wrong and i will have to go back.

my cats are too needy. they crawl all over me incessantly.

had a long drawn-out nightmare last night and can't really even find the words to explain it- it was so abstract but i was so stressed out during it i woke up in a pool of sweat twice. disgusting.

i don't feel like getting up and going into the basement and putting the towels in the dryer.

dear blue cross blue shield

2007-03-08T15:45:00.000-05:00

YOU ARE ALL A BUNCH OF FUCKING FUCKERS WHO ENJOY FUCKING POOR PEOPLE UP THE ASS YOU FUCKING FUCKS

ohhhhhhh i am so fucking angry i cannot handle it- i want to go on a fucking murderous rampage... i don't even have the energy to explain how fucked up they are being. i have to write them a goddamned letter now so i can wait an additional 3 million fucking years for someone to NEVER call me back and explain to me how i am not getting reimbursed for all the fucking money i've spent since august. those fucks.

hmm what else. i have watched a shitload of movies lately. i saw zodiac friday night along with 857 other people. it was pretty good, altho it would have been better if it had ended like around the 2 hour mark (2hrs, 40 min). i love robert downey jr in anything he does really. and the story was interesting and all. it was just that the suspense died off at some point and you are left shifting back and forth in yer chair waiting for it to end. and i guess going into it KNOWING that the whole thing was unsolved kinda spoils it at some point because you know you're not going to be all surprised and impressed in the end when they piece it all together because you know they never did.

then the next night i saw black snake moan. that's right, you heard me. my god. all i knew going into it was that samuel l jackson and christina ricci were in it and that he chains her to his radiator and i thought, ok, why not? then i found out why not. oh HAHA and justin timberlake is in it too. but oh man i couldn't tell if it was gonna be any good or not at first and then at some point i just kinda realized it was a joke, and simply an excuse to watch christina ricci be all hot and pouty and writhe around half naked and stuff. which is fine and all if that's what you are into but i dunno, i just wanted a bit more out of a movie.

she basically wore the outfit seen above thru out the whole thing. the plot was that she was the southern drunk wild slut whose boyfriend (jt) goes off into the military so she immediately starts sluttin it up and all. then she gets beat up and dumped on the side of the road and sam l finds her and carries her around and takes her home and saves her and chains her to his radiator and is determined to cure her from her slutty ways. so she writhes around and crawls on the ground a lot and has these "spells" of sluttiness which is a huge problem for her.

HAHA so we just laughed throughout the whole thing and made "come on, are you serious?" faces and made fun of the lone guy sitting in front of us who was WAY into it, knodding his head to the music and leaning forward in his seat and going home immediately after the movie to blow a load.

here is a picture of christina ricci being helpless and female and sam l being all old and soothing and teaching her how to not be a slut by playing the blues.

turtleneck POWER

2007-02-21T11:24:00.000-05:00

dont try to make it meaning

2007-02-20T16:58:00.000-05:00

i once dreamt of a time when we were ours, not just mine
and the dried drips in the plaster wall hold my gaze, unwavering
my eyes shift there again, searching
trying not to see the work i have layed out
in my periphery
and the band marches on
never slowing, never stops
as we crouch behind our snowfort, waiting
bring it on, we got rocks

flute beatboxer

2007-02-17T22:22:00.001-05:00

2007-02-17T18:32:00.000-05:00

i am sick. i haven't taken a shower yet or brushed my teeth today. i have been sleeping all day and i keep waking up in a pool of sweat so i change my drenched shirt and fall back in bed. it sucks. i need a shower i feel gross. the enormous pile of dishes in the sink is driving me mad but i don't haave the energy to go near it.

OH i watched the science of sleep last night. it was so so good i knew it would be.

i don't think i got anything else. earlier when i was sitting here every time i moved my head it sounded like there were parts crunching together in my temples. it was a noise i didn't expect to hear coming from the inside of my head. it was with the rhythm of my pulse.

i will be an amazing nurse

2007-02-15T15:18:00.000-05:00

so i am in nursing school and on thursdays and fridays we go to the hospital and they let us work with real live people and stuff. this is only like my 3rd clinical rotation (didn't that sound professional just now? clinical rotation. i am such a medical professional now), so it is still kinda intimidating and all.

anyway, last friday when i was there i had this patient who was about my dad's age with a hip replacement. i was getting him some supplies together so he could brush his teeth. little sample toothpaste, little cheap-o toothbrush, little green bottle of... mouthwash.

i was emptying his urinal or something in the bathroom when i hear, "HON, this AIN'T MOUTHWASH!"

my face gets all hot and i am all OH NO what did i do- I POISONED HIM. i come out and he holds up the little green bottle that looked JUST LIKE a little green bottle of mouthwash like the kind they had at the last hospital and i read it and it is LIQUID SOAP that he had just swished around in his mouth. and i don't even know what to say because at this moment i am realizing what an idiot thing to do that was and luckily for me he starts laughing at me, which i figure is a lot better than being pissed.

a few hours later his girlfriend is there asking me questions about school and stuff and says something like, "well you sure are doing a good job" and then he says, "YEAH EXCEPT FOR THE MOUTHWASH!...HAHA LOOK HOW RED SHE'S TURNIN!" as he points at me.

eh it could've been worse i figure.

there is something important that i need to bring to your attention

2007-02-14T11:28:00.000-05:00

THIS:the art of ornithological dejecta

AKA BIRD POOP

you're welcome.

naked ballerina

2007-02-14T10:41:00.000-05:00

can i just tell you about the crazy dream i had last night??? i am not making this up. why do i always feel the need to clarify that? i guess because i used to be a liar.

so i dreamt that i was shopping for ballet shoes. this took up a large chunk of dream time, i do not know why. i was drying to decide, pink or black? and they were like $70 and i couldn't find a pair i could try on because they were all in these sealed packages.

THEN fast forward to me at my parents house agonizing about the fact that the ballet performance that i am in (oh, not to mention that i am the LEAD BALLERINA, if there is such a thing) is coming on tv soon and i can't let my parents see it because i am naked in it. yes. and i am flipping thru the channels and it is on every single channel, it is that important. and my parents are telling me, "oh we are going to watch the ballet performance!" and they don't know i am in it (or that all of a sudden i am an accomplished ballerina). and it is at this moment that i have to explain to them that I AM A BALLERINA NOW and not only that, but I AM THE LEAD BALLERINA in this performance and oh, also, i would prefer that they didn't watch it because I AM NAKED during the performance.

seriously. this is the dream i had last night. and i know it all somehow stemmed from yesterday when i was working with the mobile vet that i work for once a week and we were at this retirement home drawing blood from this old lady's cats and she had a NEW YORK BALLET poster on her wall and i was looking at it and it reminded me of my little best friend i had growing up who was a ballerina. she had a similar poster in her room when we were little. we both took ballet lessons when we were like 5 or 6 and she actually stuck with it and almost went pro at one point. she was the one who stuck with school and always did really well and had extra-curricular activities while i was discovering the fantastic world of drugs. she went off to NYU and now lives in ROME and has always made the right decisions.wow that was a tangent, huh? anyway, i know that ballet poster inspired my dream is what i was saying.

p.s. KALI you were in it too NO JOKE- you were also a ballerina, just not the lead, sorry.

my name is meel

2007-02-05T20:38:00.000-05:00

rayman raving rabbits is the best game ever. i don't have the wii, but that is what friends are for. i'm babysitting my favorite little friend right now and his favorite thing to do is watch people play the game. i was getting something to eat and he was in the living room screaming "MEEL! MEEL!" (what he calls me) and when i came in he grabbed the wii controller and handed it to me and said "bunnies?" so i played for about 20 minutes and turned around and saw he was asleep. SCORE! i take him upstairs and he stays asleep while i change his diaper and put his pjs on and AS SOON AS I LAY HIM DOWN of course he wakes up so i have to go through the whole read a story tucking in process. it's cool though we are tight like that.

knobby knees

2007-01-29T18:03:00.000-05:00

i was quite the flashy dresser back in the day. back when fluorescent was all the rage and it was cool to pull the corner of your shirt through a little plastic loop. i think i also had a zebra-patterned loopy thing. HOT. man i remember that pony. i was at a petting zoo and i became OBSESSED with that damn pony. i think i even gave it a name. i hung out with the pony for a few hours i think and decided that i would save it from its carny life. when my parents dragged me away i threw a screaming crying fit. it was nothing but talk about "my pony" for weeks after. man i was attached. i have another picture of me with that toobigformyhead hat on the pony's head. it is on my friend's fridge. i think i should start wearing bike shorts again.

i still don't know what death means

2007-01-07T13:56:00.000-05:00

i decided friday night i woud drive to philly and stay with my friend nico for the weekend. it is good to get away from town every now and then.

it was dark and foggy and raining and i was listening to neutral milk hotel and zoning out with the rythym of the windshield wipers. i was debating about whether or not i should listen to what my body was trying to tell me or ignore it. it was telling me that i was getting sick and that i was sleep deprived and my head was the heavy foggy feeling and my throat felt tight. i decided to ignore it.

i was just passing the airport, almost there when i got that call. like the call i will always remember what i was doing when i got it because it hit me full speed like a ton of bricks right in my chest.

my friend pete calls me and asks me did i know that paul died. which paul? there are several. he is confused and trying to figure that out himself. he says he just heard that "dirty paul" OD'd and died. he was from towson. i say WAIT are you talking about paul MY EX, hippy paul?!? he is not from towson who the fuck are you talking about? my heart drops and my head clears up and i feel it i know it was him i just need to hear it. pete gets quiet because now he realizes what he just told me and says that he isn't sure. i should call mark because he knows for sure.

i feel numb and and my head is racing as i call mark and i can feel myself starting to shake. he answers and i tell him i heard that paul died and i need to know which paul. he tells me that yes it was paul n----. he OD'd and died and someone found him yesterday.

my mind blanks and my chest drops and i can't say anything. we sit on the phone in silence for a minute and i tell him i have to go i am driving and i should get off the phone. he asks if i am ok and tells me he will let me know about the funeral arrangements when he finds out. i hang up and i see paul in my head and i start remembering things and it flashes in front of me his face and everything and i start to cry and i say fuck over and over again and i hit the dashboard and i am almost at nico's house i need to not be driving right now.

and i get there and i fall apart and i don't know how to do this. i don't know how to do this. i don't know how to deal with this. and he keeps fashing in front of me and i keep seeing him and i remember the last conversation i had with him.

i had just moved into my current apartment so it was 2 years ago about. he called me and told me he relapsed. he said he went to a party and took ecstacy and had a great time. he was smoking pot and everything was fine. he did not want to do heroin at all, it is the last thing he wants to do. i said ok, well what makes you think that you can use drugs recreationally? someone with your history paul, don't you think that maybe the odds are against someone like you? he says he knows, he knows, the odds are not good and he says he wished he could say he wanted to be clean again but he doesn't. and he really does not have any interest in doing heroin ever again. i say ok i know, paul, but for how long? you know this shit is progressive. people DIE doing this shit. what makes you think you are any different? he says "i know, babe. i'm being careful."

and now he is dead and now i am numb because i got all emotional about it already and now i just can't feel it again because it is too much. and i don't have any kind of understanding of death that i am comfortable with because i don't believe in heaven and hell and i don't know if i believe in reincarnation or ghosts or what. all i know is he is gone and he was a really good guy and i will never see him again or be crushed by one of his bearhugs or anything. and i am feeling it and i don't want to.

facial chewing

2007-01-04T01:04:00.000-05:00

you know you want to watch this.
no one has to know.
i'm not ashamed, you shouldn't be.
you can't help yourself.
just do it and get it over with.

hahahahaha.

2007-01-03T14:15:00.001-05:00

dear diary,

i hate it when i see people and they say "happy new year!" and i then am forced to say it too. i mean, i don't know, i just don't really care about it. it happens every year. it is just another day to me. the only important holiday really is my birthday, because i get stuff and don't have to get anything for anyone else. hahaha.

oh and halloween too. because that is the only holiday that i still get excited about. like the way i feel about halloween hasn't changed since i was a kid, so that is pretty special.

so i went and saw Clutch on new year's eve. it was pretty good, altho by the time they came on i was kinda tired from standing around. when they came on i had annoying bouncy chick and her rockstar boyfriend thrashing around in front of me. they were the type that had like 3 feet of space in front of them but had to thrash around backwards and take up all of my personal breathing space. i guess that is to be expected at this show. maybe i am becoming an old lady.

oh but listen- boyfriend guy was a long haired dude (like the type of long straight hair that girls are jealous of) wearing one of those shirts with the sleeves cut off. i mean come on, there is no excuse for that.

i took some pictures that didn't turn out so great.
kali and friends...
she knocked some dude down with her eyeb row. it broke her glasses too but she didn't care because she is tough as nails.

here is Clutch on stage:ok so the pictures didn't work but i did get some video that visually, is much better. i can not say the same for the sound, tho. by the end of the show he seemed either really tired or drunk, i'm not sure. maybe both. here ya go:

p.s. here is kali's horny boydog humping her boy's girldog (note the porno money shot):

basket o' dog-butt hooks

2006-12-29T01:26:00.000-05:00

fun with the new digital camera days 1-3

this is the manger scene at my parents house. i used to be obsessed with setting it up. i especially loved holding the tiny little baby jesus.

cat in dresser. self explanatory.

see title of post.

50 cent hot dogs.

truth or dare

2006-12-28T00:37:00.000-05:00

i was at my parents the other day and my mom showed me one of those "here's a summary of our past year" photo holiday email card things that some people like to send. you know the ones. "beth graduated with a degree in mass communication, joe and alice had their 3rd kid, we redecorated the kitchen in 3 different shades of taupe! blablabla"

well this one was from the family of an old neighborhood friend. stacey was 2 years older and one of my closest friends back in the day. i practically lived at her house. it was there in her family's wood-paneled basement that i saw all the r-rated movies that my parents wouldn't let me watch. i saw my first "sex movie" (jungle fever) over at her house. when i was about 9, she taught me that tucking in my shirt was uncool, and i have never tucked it in since. when stacey was 13 she got cancer and i would go over there and she and i and her brother danny would play cards in between her violent bouts of nausea from the chemo. i remember when her hair fell out and at night i would watch her style her wig on a mannequin head for the next day.

she beat that shit and it never came back. she currently has a 6 year old son that i have never met and i wonder what she is like now and if her personality is the same. she was a fucking strong chick, and i'm not just saying that because she beat cancer. i mean, she was one of those people that could get you onto a roller coaster even tho you were were horribly afraid of heights and before you even knew what was happening you were on the fucking roller coaster and she was laughing and trying to convince you to release your death grip and put your arms in the air.

her brother danny was 3 years older than me. he was my first kiss. every summer all the kids in the neighborhood would play kick the can or other types of tag games. the year that i was going into 6th grade someone switched it up a bit and truth or dare became the game of choice. of course, just about no one picked truth. i think that danny and i were the first couple picked to actually kiss each other which was something i had never done before. i was the youngest and the quietest and the shyest one in the group, and i don't think anyone thought that we would really do it. but we were DARED to so really we had no choice.

i remember we walked behind a car and it was dark and here is this guy- my best friend's brother who had always been like gross and tormented me and once punched me in the stomach because he found out that i was the one who let the fireflies free from the jar in his closet- and here we are and now we have to kiss each other on the mouth and it was probably for a certain amount of seconds or something, i can't remember. so we are standing there and i am leaning against the car and he took a deep breath and stepped toward me and put his hands on either side of my face and pulled me toward him and kissed me real soft but hard at the same time, tongue and everything.

it was hot.

we played A LOT of truth or dare that summer, and for several seasons after. i remember danny and i always ended up as truth or dare partners somehow, and we both pretended to be all cool about it, like it totally didn't affect us at all, no big deal. and the dares became more and more detailed and it progressed into full-on make out sessions and we both acted like we just had to do it, like it was our job or something and we didn't really care. and we'd slip back into our old roles like nothing ever happened and i'd be over at the house hanging with stacey and we would watch the guys play basketball in the driveway and every now and then danny would look over at me and man i will never forget it. the way he looked at me and the way i felt and it was like a secret we shared.

and outside of the game nothing ever happened. i remember he asked me "out" at one point (actually, i believe his friend did it for him) and i was scared and freaked out and said no because i was in 6th grade and he was in 9th grade, in HIGH SCHOOL and that was a big deal, that kind of age difference.

so his parents sold him the old house and he lives there now with his wife (just celebrated their 1 year anniversary according to the email). he's got facial hair now and he looks like a man and now they call him dan. and i wondered what it would be like to see him again, what we would talk about and if i would still feel that funny little secret thrill when he looks at me. and i think about the idea of meeting up with all of them again, and the thought terrifies me. because i would feel this weird pressure on myself to show them that, LOOK guys, i'm different now. i'm not the quiet little scared nerdy chick from down the street anymore. i've lived a lot and i've changed a lot and i'm not the little kid anymore and you guys don't intimidate me anymore.

except they do.

you asked for it

2006-12-26T15:48:00.000-05:00

ok guys.
i hope this makes you happy.
i caved.
im tired of everyone being all, "hey murl, tell me more about your cats," or "show me a picture," or, "tell me more about that cute thing he did with the string and the doorknob."

i got a digital camera and i made my first video.
enjoy.

p.s. i am told i make that face a lot.

2006-12-26T00:32:00.000-05:00

my brother just recently introduced me to Smoosh. i believe they are 12 and 14 now. here is one of their videos:

i dont know, i think they fuckin rock.

heavy head.
so drained.

i was listening to Mogwai while driving home from Philly the other day. it put me into some sort of meditative state that i liked very much.

i felt so positive and hopeful and creative and inspired.

how much was real and true?
how much was inspired by the coffee?
-that i supposedly quit earlier this week due to its anxiety-producing effects-

how much was simply because of the lack of traffic and therefore road-rage wellings from the depths of my dark little heart?

dont mind me its late and like i said im drained tired and bitter.

i should be grateful, right? my family is alive and healthy and not starving or homeless or violent. everyone has their shit.

goddamn all my should bes would be could bes.

the office is the best show on television

2006-12-15T17:14:00.000-05:00

i have the attention span of a gerbil on acid

2006-12-15T15:53:00.000-05:00

i keep sitting down to study and all of a sudden pop back up to make something to eat or to to do laundry or to listen to my cat's lung sounds with my stethoscope to make sure that she dosent have asthma (she is fat and breathes loudly). all very important things that i suddenly feel compelled to do RIGHT NOW! IT CANNOT WAIT ANOTHER MINUTE!!!

i am in nursing school and am not working and i am very poor. all the loan money from this semester is gone and i am being fucked up the ass by BlueCross BlueShield because they are fucking FUCKERS because i have to pay for everything out of pocket and mail in claim forms. and it takes over a month to get any money back and i want to go on a murderous rampage waiting for it. it is times like this that i start thinking, maybe i could go off medication. maybe i am normal now and dont need it. maybe i dont really need therapy. MAN UP! COME ON, SOLDIER! YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

ha. it would be nice. but now is certainly not the time to do any more fucking around with my brain chemicals.

there was this girl in my class who, whenever she decided to actually come in, would be wearing her Dolce and Gablabla sunglasses. and she never took them off. INSIDE with the fucking sunglasses on. it makes me all flustered just thinking about it. no idea why i brought that up.

here is a poem i wrote in highschool:

beautiful beheaded barbie sitting in a tree
why o why do you stare at me?
polly wanna cracker
polly wanna see
barbie was a superstar
do you wanna be?

that was during the year of the benzo addiction.
you're welcome.

poor poor pauly shore

2006-12-13T11:00:00.000-05:00

Pauly Shore Punch

Add to My Profile | More Videos

bunbunbunbunbunbun

2006-12-12T01:02:00.001-05:00

from www.cuteoverload.com

roadrage backlash

2006-12-10T13:48:00.000-05:00

cant. get. off. couch.

mmuuunnnggggghhhh.

last night i was driving and i came to a light and was gonna make a left so i was waiting for the opposing traffic to finish driving through and then i turned on red. and i look in the rear view and the person behind me turned too. and i think YOU ARE SUCH AN ASSHOLE that is DANGEROUS!

like somehow i justified that it is ok for me to do it but not ok for anyone else.
ahahahahahaha

oh and later when i was going home this asshole did something asshole-ish i dont even remember what it was and i was tempted to flip him off. but i stopped because i remembered this:

one time i was driving home at like 3am with my friend k in the car. we were listening to cibo matto. and she was coming down from a loud manic frenzy so she was all slumped over spacing out and singing and well, i was just driving and listening to her sing like a high-pitched japanese girl (even tho she is not japanese).

so we are on the highway and there is absolutely NO ONE else on the road and there are like 3 or 4 lanes and i am in the far left one but it really doesnt matter where i am, you know, because no one else is around.

and out of nowhere a car comes up from behind and decides that he will get right behind me and ride my ass in order to muscle me into submissively changing lanes. and im like, "WHAT A PRICK" because really, he could have easily driven around me. BUT NO HE IS A FUCKING DOUCHE and has to crawl up my ass and be a tough guy.

so i give in and move over and sacrifice my pride because i dont feel like playing the game. but as he starts to pass me i decide that i am a tough guy too so i throw him the finger against the window without even looking over.

and out of the corner of my eye i see him all of a sudden slow down and i look over and it is a state trooper.

and my heart jumps into my throat and i say "FUCK" and he drops back and gets behind me. and then i say, "uh, k, i just flipped off a state trooper" because she didn't notice because she was too busy singing and orbiting inside her head.

so she sits up all straight and puts on her seatbelt and says, "are we done?" (hahahaha)

and he follows me for about 5 agonizing minutes while i am going over what i will say if he pulls me over. we decide i will say something like, "i am sorry. i wouldn't have normally done that but i thought my safety was being threatened." (looking back, i do not think there is any law against saying "fuck you" with your hand).

and then finally he pulls around me, and takes off at about 300 mph. and then we bust into hysterical laughter for the rest of the ride home.

it is shit like this that sends me spiraling into a blind rage

2006-12-09T18:49:00.000-05:00

i will never say hi to you again

2006-12-08T13:56:00.000-05:00

i really do not like you, my next-door neighbor cunt. i used to try to be nice to you and say hi when i was walking in when you were outside smoking. but you never look at me or say hi, and most of the time you will turn your entire body away from me when i am walking up just so you can avoid any interaction. you are a fucking bitch.

and im sick of hearing you through the walls screaming at your little grandchild and threatening to beat her with your shoe. seriously, i hear you screaming "DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE OFF MY SHOE?!?!"

and that time that i was forced to knock on your door and ask to borrow your phone becasue i was locked out and you just stared at me as if i had just told you i wanted to give birth to your next grandchild and name him patrick swayze. and you didnt say anything you just went and got the phone and slammed the door in my face and then watched me through your window.

why dont you just go far way and live somewhere in the middle of nowhere so you dont have to be around people since you hate them so much.

and now for the wonderous vulva puppet

2006-11-27T20:26:00.000-05:00

go here to get your very own. they are only $500-600.

"'BLODEUWEDD'
Blodeuwedd is the beautiful Goddess from Whales. Her name means "flower face". Folktales link her to the forest and especially the owl. She is made of deep dark brown velvet and silver and cream silk satin. Her adornment is Garnets and red glass seed beads. "

i was unaware that there were folktales about vulvas.

i think i may start referring to mine as my "flowerface."

trippy little trip

2006-11-22T23:16:00.001-05:00

this is super neat.

little drowning baby birds

2006-11-22T20:29:00.000-05:00

it would be a lot easier to breathe if my nose wasn't so full of snot. it is amazing. sometimes i wonder where it all comes from. my body is an endless snot factory. i can't wait until i get a digital camera. i have gone through an entire kleenex box in the past 36 hours. i would take sudafed or something but i'm not really into the whole "just did a bunch of meth" feeling so much anymore.

earlier i was driving down this street- the kind that have the little trees planted every so often down the median- and i noticed, since all the leaves are gone, all the birds nests. there were a shitload of them. almost every tree had a little birds nest in it. some more than one. and for some reason i couldn't stop looking at all the little birds nests and thinking about how crazy it is, the process the birds must go through to build them and how their instincts tell them to do it and how wild all that is. so it was starting to rain a little and then i started thinking, WAIT! what are the birds going to do?! what do they do in their nests when it rains and they have their eggs or babies in there? and i know some of those nests are thick and they could probably collect water and i am imagining it in my snot-filled head, conjuring up an image of this distressed little bird whose nest is filling up with cold water and the eggs are floating and i am like starting to get all anxious just thinking about it, freaking myself out the way i do like when i start thinking about homeless animals and lonely old people and i'm becoming all distraught-like.

and then i finally realized that it is WINTER time and the birds are not there because they don't lay eggs in the winter. and when they are there in the spring and what-not the leaves are probably protecting them from the rain and potential nest-flooding situation.

and then i start wondering about the directions my mind tends to wander in and how it starts and where it can end up and how i really want to pay more attention to this kind of stuff. like the details that i don't normally pay attention to because i am so caught up in my day to day life stuff. and how i've been wanting so badly to start writing again, writing about something, ANYTHING for chrissakes and how i feel like i've been blocked for so long and it's about time to do something about that. like i used to have this outlet and not only did i have a way of expressing myself and going into some sort of creative head zone, which, not only was it my fucking therapy for myself, but i was good at it. it was like, the thing i was good at and it's been missing for way too long. so i figured maybe i would write about the weird little things that pop in and out of my head and maybe that would be a start. and not worry about writing amazing things that will make people think i'm so awesome and funny and interesting. because i have been spending a ridiculous amount of time (instead of studying- i'm good at finding alternatives to doing that) snooping through people's blogs on here (yes i am totally new to this stuff) and finding so many interesting people who are super awesome writers and who have a fucking great sense of humor- like my kinda humor- which is so rare these days for me to find. so what i mean to say is, it's pretty cool. i guess that's the whole point of this thing, right? to put your stuff out there and maybe someone else on the opposite side of the globe can find it and say, hey, yeah. i'm not the only freak who thinks this way, huh? cause everyone wants to connect. and i can finally admit that about myself.

the depraved Amish

2006-11-19T18:12:00.000-05:00

so yesterday I posted a bulletin on my myspace about how i needed people to feel sorry for me and bring me stuff and write my Amish people paper. this is what my friend john wrote me:

I hope you feel better. The most important thing about a good paper is your thesis statement, and I think this intro paragraph would lay the foundation for an excellent paper.

Horse drawn buggies, hand made quilts, and barn raising's are all things synonymous with a group of people commonly referred to as 'The Amish.' However, barns aren't the only things that the so called Amish raise. A culture as rich in sadism and depravity as their freshly churned butter is in flavor. Sex, lies, and betrayal are as much a part of Amish culture, as baseball and apple pie are of the American Dream.

i don't know where he got this from, or if he made it up himself. but i think it is an amazing idea.

I am sick

2006-11-18T18:09:00.000-05:00

i need people to feel sorry for me and bring me stuff.
i am sick. i have a fever and i am delirious.
i haven't talked to anyone except for my cats today. and they can't bring me stuff.

i rented a horrible movie last night. i don't know what i was thinking. the delirium must have started then. i wanted to take it back to blockbuster and exchange it but all i could do was sleep.

i need to write a paper about Amish people and their childbirthing process. but instead i am writing my first blog.

i need people to feel sorry for me and bring me stuff and write my Amish people paper.