ok so i just reread all my archived blogs and i am tempted to delete everything. this is why i can never keep journals.

on productivity

this is what every morning is like.

i wake up and drink coffee. it is all i have left. once it takes effect (depends on how late in the day i get up. the later= the better the drug action) i feel REALLY INSPIRED to fix everything in my life. so like today i am feeling all good and motivated and i'm all ok, when i leave school today i am going to go and finally buy a drill so i can put up that shelf so i can put up my pez dispenser collection. it will be so greAT YAY!

so i go to school and i leave and i go to home depot and am getting very excited about the tool i will buy. because i am butch.

and i decide i don't wanna fuck this up. i will ask some home depot dude for advice for the best drill i can get for under $50. why not. so the only dude available is this 18 yr old jerk who does not make eye contact and works at home depot because he thinks he is manly. but i ask him anyway and he's like, "well, if you're just hanging curtains or whatever, than this one should be fine." EXCUSE ME DID YOU JUST SAY CURTAINS???

like i came in with my hair in rollers in a yellow sundress and strappy little sandals with a freshly baked apple pie in my hand?? GO FUCK YOURSELF DUDE. you have no idea you little twerp i am 12 times the man you are OH and i'm mounting big manly shelves to my walls by myself I CARRY FUTONS UP AND DOWN 2 FLIGHTS OF STAIRS BY MYSELF JUST FOR FUN!

ok so maybe he hit a nerve in my insecure ass because i spent my whole childhood life trying to prove myself to my older brothers but whatever so back to my day...

so i come home and plug in the charger for the drill and get out the shelf and the pez dispenser collection and realize that the shelf is not big enough, i need a second shelf and AUGH i was RIGHT THERE why didn't i GET ANOTHER SHELF BLARG MY DAY/LIFE IS RUINED. even tho there are PLENTY of other things i have been meaning to do for when i have a whole day to myself, instead i turn on the computer and spend the next 3 hundred hours online doing NOTHING. oh well.

on the rampage

saturday i woke up in an awful horrible mood and stayed that way for a while. i had a dream that contributed to it, i think. the only part i remember was when i was in this room filled with people and apparently we were auditioning for something. anyway everyone had to sing one at a time and i was really anxious because i don't/can't sing. so i start singing and my voice sounds all weird and really low, like a guy. and EVERYONE turns around to stare at me and laugh. i think some people were even pointing. and i felt totally humiliated and traumatized.

so at some point during the day (not the dream anymore) i went to CVS and i guess some cunt in an SUV did me a HUGE favor by not driving on top of me while i was pulling into my parking space because she rolls down the window and screeches "YOU'RE WELCOME!" at me and i just looked at her via my rear-view mirror in disbelief. don't get me wrong, i get mad when i don't get a courtesy wave but it's not like she deserved one. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO WAIT FOR PEOPLE IN FRONT OF YOU ASSHOLE. she obviously did not know who she was screaming at because as i stormed into CVS i knocked over some leftover easter candy and did not even pick it up. THAT'S RIGHT YOU HEARD ME.

i don't think my ionic air purifier is working

i know you think you're hurting me
i could hear it in your voice and imagine it in your eyes
but what you don't know is that it's already been done
it started long ago and
let me just tell you that the way i've hurt myself is far greater and much deeper than i'd ever let you get

honey it's just a tear in the skin
you won't even notice the scar
but oh
it's the internal bleed
and the apathy i just can't shake

cut her open and pull out the person inside

hi.

i have been very neglectful of my little blog here. i think one of my problems is that i get online and start reading everyone else's blogs and then 2 hours later i am like all depressed and shit because i have been on the internet for 2 hours instead of doing whatever it is i had set out in the 1st place (like school stuff or having a life or something). i also get depressed when i read some blogs and i'm like these people are awesome writers i have nothing of interest to say and wah wah i suck blah blah poor me and my boring life. which is bullshit i know but i still do it. o and thank you guys for commenting on me and telling me to write some shit again and all. it was good to know that people were actually interested in reading the stuff that leaks outta my head.

and i realize now that when i get online i lose all self control and cannot stop and then i feel guilty and lame. GUILT RUNS MY LIFE. that is not entirely true but i'm sick of feeling that way. i am going to try to stop blaming the fact that i was brought up catholic but notice how i just mentioned it? passive-aggressive. HA CATHOLICISM TAUGHT ME THAT TOO! ha just kidding. sort of.

i have been debating with myself too about starting a new totally anonymous blog that i can be totally candid with and write whatever i want to without thinking about what people who i actually know would think if they found it. and then i am like, whatever, i should be able to to do that here and fuck what people think. i'm still not sure. like maybe what if i want to go into great detail about my vagina or something and then i am like, no, don't do that because what is so and so reads this and then he knows about my vagina. whatever. we'll see.

o man lemme just tell you that school has been INTENSE these past 2 weeks. the first week was 5 days straight of 6 hour LECTURES with short little breaks here and there. we are in maternal-newborn and i have nothing but uteruses and cervixes and placentas and terms like fundus and vernix caseosa floating thru my head all the time. literally.

it is crazy. i was really worried about this portion of nursing school because i am like, i know nothing about pregnancy ack scary. but it has been actually pretty cool.

yesterday i got to see a cesarean and it was awesome. i never thought i'd be so excited to see them cut a woman open and pull a baby out.seeing it on the video you are all like OH MY GOD ICK AUGH ARG WHOA but then in real life you are like, right, okay, this is just how it goes. it was surreal. i mostly just tried to stay outta the way because there were 3 million people in there. the mom was under general anesthesia, so they were worried about the baby and had to work fast because the baby gets the anesthesia too. there was 1 anesthesiologist, 2 nurses from the NICU (neonatal ICU), 2 doctors and 2 nurses who actually were in on the surgery, 1 scrub nurse (who hands the docs the instruments and such), my instructor, and myself. it was impressive.

i actually kinda missed the best part when the baby's head emerged (like something out of Alien) because one of the doctors needed a stool to stand on because she was short so i brought it over and stuck it under her. the baby was all purplish-blue and the NICU nurses were taking care of him for the 1st 5 minutes until he pinked up. then i got to check him out and put the ointment in his little eyes take all his measurements and give him a vitamin k injection into his little leg muscle which really pissed him off.

i am still scared to death sort of of seeing a regular birth. like i have never been through it so how can i really help comfort someone who is trying to push a person out of their body? i'm sure it will be fine tho.

ok i have GOT to go take a shower and get an oil change. bye.

bleeeechhhh

feeling bad in an i don't know why kinda way. hating everyone. i don't even think i have pms so i don't know what it is.

i want to get the fuck away. and be alone and sulk. that's not true but it's easiest.

i started thinking about how i should get irish citizenship so then i could go to ireland or anywhere in europe and live and work there and have adventures. except i'm worried that i'm too lame these days to have decent adventures.

i ate 4 cadbury cream eggs today.

my fucking teeth hurt really bad at random times during the day and i'm worried my dentist did something wrong and i will have to go back.

my cats are too needy. they crawl all over me incessantly.

had a long drawn-out nightmare last night and can't really even find the words to explain it- it was so abstract but i was so stressed out during it i woke up in a pool of sweat twice. disgusting.

i don't feel like getting up and going into the basement and putting the towels in the dryer.

dear blue cross blue shield

YOU ARE ALL A BUNCH OF FUCKING FUCKERS WHO ENJOY FUCKING POOR PEOPLE UP THE ASS YOU FUCKING FUCKS

ohhhhhhh i am so fucking angry i cannot handle it- i want to go on a fucking murderous rampage... i don't even have the energy to explain how fucked up they are being. i have to write them a goddamned letter now so i can wait an additional 3 million fucking years for someone to NEVER call me back and explain to me how i am not getting reimbursed for all the fucking money i've spent since august. those fucks.

hmm what else. i have watched a shitload of movies lately. i saw zodiac friday night along with 857 other people. it was pretty good, altho it would have been better if it had ended like around the 2 hour mark (2hrs, 40 min). i love robert downey jr in anything he does really. and the story was interesting and all. it was just that the suspense died off at some point and you are left shifting back and forth in yer chair waiting for it to end. and i guess going into it KNOWING that the whole thing was unsolved kinda spoils it at some point because you know you're not going to be all surprised and impressed in the end when they piece it all together because you know they never did.

then the next night i saw black snake moan. that's right, you heard me. my god. all i knew going into it was that samuel l jackson and christina ricci were in it and that he chains her to his radiator and i thought, ok, why not? then i found out why not. oh HAHA and justin timberlake is in it too. but oh man i couldn't tell if it was gonna be any good or not at first and then at some point i just kinda realized it was a joke, and simply an excuse to watch christina ricci be all hot and pouty and writhe around half naked and stuff. which is fine and all if that's what you are into but i dunno, i just wanted a bit more out of a movie.

she basically wore the outfit seen above thru out the whole thing. the plot was that she was the southern drunk wild slut whose boyfriend (jt) goes off into the military so she immediately starts sluttin it up and all. then she gets beat up and dumped on the side of the road and sam l finds her and carries her around and takes her home and saves her and chains her to his radiator and is determined to cure her from her slutty ways. so she writhes around and crawls on the ground a lot and has these "spells" of sluttiness which is a huge problem for her.

HAHA so we just laughed throughout the whole thing and made "come on, are you serious?" faces and made fun of the lone guy sitting in front of us who was WAY into it, knodding his head to the music and leaning forward in his seat and going home immediately after the movie to blow a load.

here is a picture of christina ricci being helpless and female and sam l being all old and soothing and teaching her how to not be a slut by playing the blues.

turtleneck POWER

dont try to make it meaning

i once dreamt of a time when we were ours, not just mine
and the dried drips in the plaster wall hold my gaze, unwavering
my eyes shift there again, searching
trying not to see the work i have layed out
in my periphery
and the band marches on
never slowing, never stops
as we crouch behind our snowfort, waiting
bring it on, we got rocks

flute beatboxer