catpower just got harder to listen to

"oh my god i can't believe this."
the girl behind the counter in the card shop couldn't believe it.
"heath ledger is dead!"

"what? oh my god! that is so sad!"
the lady in the fur coat with the too bright fuckme red lipstick couldn't believe it either.

"i am in shock."
they agreed that it was shocking and so sad.
then they began to discuss whether they thought it was drug-related or not.

i can't believe it either. i am standing in the greeting card aisle watching and listening to these women mourn the man who is now their favorite celebrity.

put down your people magazine because here is some real drug-related tragedy for you. three people whose lives crossed mine and baltimore and the people i love died this past week and that is a lot closer to you than hollywood will ever be.

one was a new father and one was a man that kissed me once
and burned me my first catpower cd and one was a woman i never quite knew but i had watched our paths cross several times.

these people were fucking young and they never knew they had a chance. or maybe they did but they were just too tired. sometimes you surrender and lightness is revealed. they surrendered and darkness swallowed them up. who is to say which one it will be? i don't know i don't think anyone does.

and THAT,

now that is truly sad.

choking on ego

delete fucking everything would if i could. another down-swing and i plummet fast. trying to hold on close your eyes it will all be over soon but in the meantime fuck the meantime. fuck you fuck him fuck it.

i feel it all now and it is sometimes unbearable. the feelings wash over me warm and cool waves over my head down my face and into my chest knotting and twisting up settling in my throat waiting for release. it comes so easily now and i still fight it but it's a lot harder to hold it down. and i feel like i'm crumbling and i'm not used to this i'm not used to being unable to control this.

i can never seem to get far enough away
while at the same time
it always feels too far

pretend not to look

jabs of electricity
shudder through
when i look up
and catch
his gaze
across the room
we both pretend
we aren't looking

a special announcement brought to you on behalf of christmas

i need to try in the morning before the coffee passes my lips and stirs up the neurons that scrape across the cheesegrater that makes up my mind. my clock doesn't work and in succession every light i hit on blows off and stays that way because how many of me does it take to change a lightbulb? none apparently i don't care leave them off. inspiration inspiration little glimmers coming back little sparks of light where there havent been in quite some time but the trick is heres the trick- just try to get a grasp on those slippery little shits its not easy i tell you. and heres the thing on another subject because i cant stick with just one subject because they all melt in and out amongst one another all the time- heres the thing- i know what i want and i know what i dont. its true ive finally figured it out. i want what i dont think is possible and i dont want it when i get it. typical right? right. exactly its true and ive always known it and nothing is changing that truth that ive noticed. its always been there and i fear it always will. and yes i know i know i know its not the right way to think i need to take off the shit-colored glasses of perception so to speak as they say and let go of the mentality the blame the role i place myself into again and again right. right right right i know i know but how do i make the know into the feel into the truth? maybe its just time to shut up.

what if all the stars are just an illusion
and the truth lies somewhere between here and china
i guess we better find something else to wish on
and start digging

free rats

i can't even tell you how many people have found my blog by searching for "naked ballerina." a whole lot. and i find it strange that they seem to linger to read it even when i don't have any pictures of naked ballerinas.


(burnt down dunkin donuts)

the pieces

sometimes i am not sure what is the truth. what is my truth, as i would say if i wanted to say something like that, which i don't right now. when i am not sure what the truth is i feel like i'm regressing. but i don't even know what i mean by saying that.

my head has caught up with me it always does. i run and run and i look at school and i look at the dishes and i look at the cats and i look at the bills and i look at my friends' problems and i look at the job and the car and the men and the clothes and the money and everyone else and i don't i won't take a look at the truth because look at how busy i am.

and i don't even know what it's about because my head it churns it around and round and up and down and shreds what could potentially be the truth into little bits and pieces of nonsense that will not piece together because i don't even know where to start.

i feel that through this thing that i'm doing - this thing that i'm working towards- this fucking goal that offers the promise of something called a career- i feel like i am losing myself because i just don't have the time to catch up. and it always comes back to this, this place. and it terrifies me and what terrifies me is not that i find it terrifying it's that i find it so comfortable. and i know that this happens with me and i know it doesn't last forever and i know and i know but what i feel is not what i know and the feelings are what can be dangerous. or is it the lack of feeling- the apathy that i turn to because i am too fucking afraid to truly allow myself the fullness of feeling.

and i told myself i wouldn't go up in my head and here i am. it doesn't take much to get me there and i'm off to the races and the rest comes crumbling down and all of a sudden nothing is right and everything is too much and so much is just never enough.

my nostalgia

We look at the world once, in childhood.
The rest is memory.

From Nostos,
by Louise Gluck

here are some things to think about

yes i made this and submitted it to i can has cheezburger yes i know i need some fresh air. it started off as a joke and escaladed into obsession...

a collection of terrifying and mysterious found babydolls.


this is what they do.

more cat pictures by popular demand.

red trees in the mcneighborhood.

i need this bumper sticker.



large.

the WHAT of the lord?