i still don't know what death means

i decided friday night i woud drive to philly and stay with my friend nico for the weekend. it is good to get away from town every now and then.

it was dark and foggy and raining and i was listening to neutral milk hotel and zoning out with the rythym of the windshield wipers. i was debating about whether or not i should listen to what my body was trying to tell me or ignore it. it was telling me that i was getting sick and that i was sleep deprived and my head was the heavy foggy feeling and my throat felt tight. i decided to ignore it.

i was just passing the airport, almost there when i got that call. like the call i will always remember what i was doing when i got it because it hit me full speed like a ton of bricks right in my chest.

my friend pete calls me and asks me did i know that paul died. which paul? there are several. he is confused and trying to figure that out himself. he says he just heard that "dirty paul" OD'd and died. he was from towson. i say WAIT are you talking about paul MY EX, hippy paul?!? he is not from towson who the fuck are you talking about? my heart drops and my head clears up and i feel it i know it was him i just need to hear it. pete gets quiet because now he realizes what he just told me and says that he isn't sure. i should call mark because he knows for sure.

i feel numb and and my head is racing as i call mark and i can feel myself starting to shake. he answers and i tell him i heard that paul died and i need to know which paul. he tells me that yes it was paul n----. he OD'd and died and someone found him yesterday.

my mind blanks and my chest drops and i can't say anything. we sit on the phone in silence for a minute and i tell him i have to go i am driving and i should get off the phone. he asks if i am ok and tells me he will let me know about the funeral arrangements when he finds out. i hang up and i see paul in my head and i start remembering things and it flashes in front of me his face and everything and i start to cry and i say fuck over and over again and i hit the dashboard and i am almost at nico's house i need to not be driving right now.

and i get there and i fall apart and i don't know how to do this. i don't know how to do this. i don't know how to deal with this. and he keeps fashing in front of me and i keep seeing him and i remember the last conversation i had with him.

i had just moved into my current apartment so it was 2 years ago about. he called me and told me he relapsed. he said he went to a party and took ecstacy and had a great time. he was smoking pot and everything was fine. he did not want to do heroin at all, it is the last thing he wants to do. i said ok, well what makes you think that you can use drugs recreationally? someone with your history paul, don't you think that maybe the odds are against someone like you? he says he knows, he knows, the odds are not good and he says he wished he could say he wanted to be clean again but he doesn't. and he really does not have any interest in doing heroin ever again. i say ok i know, paul, but for how long? you know this shit is progressive. people DIE doing this shit. what makes you think you are any different? he says "i know, babe. i'm being careful."

and now he is dead and now i am numb because i got all emotional about it already and now i just can't feel it again because it is too much. and i don't have any kind of understanding of death that i am comfortable with because i don't believe in heaven and hell and i don't know if i believe in reincarnation or ghosts or what. all i know is he is gone and he was a really good guy and i will never see him again or be crushed by one of his bearhugs or anything. and i am feeling it and i don't want to.