catpower just got harder to listen to

"oh my god i can't believe this."
the girl behind the counter in the card shop couldn't believe it.
"heath ledger is dead!"

"what? oh my god! that is so sad!"
the lady in the fur coat with the too bright fuckme red lipstick couldn't believe it either.

"i am in shock."
they agreed that it was shocking and so sad.
then they began to discuss whether they thought it was drug-related or not.

i can't believe it either. i am standing in the greeting card aisle watching and listening to these women mourn the man who is now their favorite celebrity.

put down your people magazine because here is some real drug-related tragedy for you. three people whose lives crossed mine and baltimore and the people i love died this past week and that is a lot closer to you than hollywood will ever be.

one was a new father and one was a man that kissed me once
and burned me my first catpower cd and one was a woman i never quite knew but i had watched our paths cross several times.

these people were fucking young and they never knew they had a chance. or maybe they did but they were just too tired. sometimes you surrender and lightness is revealed. they surrendered and darkness swallowed them up. who is to say which one it will be? i don't know i don't think anyone does.

and THAT,

now that is truly sad.

choking on ego

delete fucking everything would if i could. another down-swing and i plummet fast. trying to hold on close your eyes it will all be over soon but in the meantime fuck the meantime. fuck you fuck him fuck it.

i feel it all now and it is sometimes unbearable. the feelings wash over me warm and cool waves over my head down my face and into my chest knotting and twisting up settling in my throat waiting for release. it comes so easily now and i still fight it but it's a lot harder to hold it down. and i feel like i'm crumbling and i'm not used to this i'm not used to being unable to control this.

fuck not tired at all.

today i thought i was starting to get used to my current state of fucking madness.

i was driving home from work and i got an idea. an idea of the creative variety. i got an idea for a project and i got really excited about it. i have not had an idea like this in at least 10 years. it reminded me of what it was like to have ideas. i knew that something, some old part of myself that i had lost was still there and maybe my brain could work like that again. i was so excited i knew that it didn't even matter if i created something and no one saw it. just the idea that i might still have the ability was enough.

i started to wonder if maybe it was psychosomatic. doesn't fucking matter the point is that i had that moment and felt that way and i got a little hope out of it.

last night i was looking up "lexapro withdrawal" hoping to find some clarification. it's one thing to know you aren't fucking psychotic deep down but i thought it would be nice to see if there was some clinical information about it out there, as i cannot depend on my shrink to tell me anything i don't already know. i'm over trying to find one that has any useful information for me.

anyway i came across these discussion forums full of wacked-out people freaking out about their withdrawal symptoms. a bunch of people described what they called "head zapping" or some shit like that. i read what they described and thought to myself things like, damn these people are so sensitive- i thought it was normal for my head to do shit like that. used to it. the spaced-out disconnected headiness i am starting to get used to. like when i go to the grocery store (for some reason i become super in tune and aware of myself at the grocery store) and i realize that i am sort of floating around up and down the isles like i am behind a window, watching the world from somewhere else. it's the insane mood swings and random crying outbursts i'm having trouble with. not used to extreme emotions.

a few hours ago i became so enraged and overwhelmed and freaked out i wanted to stab myself in the head. i was trying to have an internal conversation and reason with myself but i kept telling myself to fuck off so that didn't work. in the course of 15 minutes i decided that my life was futile and pointless and why am i bothering to go to nursing school my life is over i hate everyone i can't do this i can't do this fuck my birthday fuck my friends fuck my family i cannot deal. i can't write a fucking sentence in an attempt at schoolwork without my life falling apart 5 minutes later. my brain bleeps and shuts down constantly when i try to narrow my focus on anything. i find myself talking to someone and out of nowhere i stop and blank and have no idea what i'm talking about.

if this shit lasts for longer than a month i'm going to give myself a lobotomy.

growing up insane

here is something embarrasing and true. i will spare you a few details. i called my "LADY DOCTOR" shall we say to make an appointment. i am all hey i gotta make an appointment and they are all oh okay and stuff. i say that i think i'm due for my yearly and she says "actually, you really should come every 6 months." and i am a little confused but i say oh okay right because i guess i missed something. so then she mentions something about my mouth and i am confused and after a pause i say something and it involved the word "vaginal." then another pause and she says, "THIS IS YOUR DENTIST." just like that. she sounded a bit panic-stricken. then i felt my head explode a little and i say oh my god i called the wrong doctor real red-faced and quiet-like. she says "okaaaaay...." i could see her face through the phone and i tell you it was pure fantastic-ness.

so i immediately text kali and tell her. we text-laugh about it and then here is the rest of our genius-power text-conversation:

murl: ahahahaha i need to write a book

kali: maybe we could write it together we could try to outdo the other

murl: ha! good idea lets brainstorm on title ideas

kali: tale of four titties

murl: AHAHAHAHAHA

murl: stories of idiocy: a lifetime of blunders

kali: foot in mouth disease: the stories of our lives

murl: AWESOME

murl: oh god what did i say: a story of courage and survival

kali: HAHAHAHA!

kali: i'm not going to school on monday: growing up insane.

murl: HAHAHA ohmygod i cant stop laughing

kali: we are FUNNY

murl: we are totally amazing. people dont even know.

kali: oh they will

i can never seem to get far enough away
while at the same time
it always feels too far

pretend not to look

jabs of electricity
shudder through
when i look up
and catch
his gaze
across the room
we both pretend
we aren't looking

a special announcement brought to you on behalf of christmas

i need to try in the morning before the coffee passes my lips and stirs up the neurons that scrape across the cheesegrater that makes up my mind. my clock doesn't work and in succession every light i hit on blows off and stays that way because how many of me does it take to change a lightbulb? none apparently i don't care leave them off. inspiration inspiration little glimmers coming back little sparks of light where there havent been in quite some time but the trick is heres the trick- just try to get a grasp on those slippery little shits its not easy i tell you. and heres the thing on another subject because i cant stick with just one subject because they all melt in and out amongst one another all the time- heres the thing- i know what i want and i know what i dont. its true ive finally figured it out. i want what i dont think is possible and i dont want it when i get it. typical right? right. exactly its true and ive always known it and nothing is changing that truth that ive noticed. its always been there and i fear it always will. and yes i know i know i know its not the right way to think i need to take off the shit-colored glasses of perception so to speak as they say and let go of the mentality the blame the role i place myself into again and again right. right right right i know i know but how do i make the know into the feel into the truth? maybe its just time to shut up.

what if all the stars are just an illusion
and the truth lies somewhere between here and china
i guess we better find something else to wish on
and start digging

free rats

i can't even tell you how many people have found my blog by searching for "naked ballerina." a whole lot. and i find it strange that they seem to linger to read it even when i don't have any pictures of naked ballerinas.


(burnt down dunkin donuts)

the pieces

sometimes i am not sure what is the truth. what is my truth, as i would say if i wanted to say something like that, which i don't right now. when i am not sure what the truth is i feel like i'm regressing. but i don't even know what i mean by saying that.

my head has caught up with me it always does. i run and run and i look at school and i look at the dishes and i look at the cats and i look at the bills and i look at my friends' problems and i look at the job and the car and the men and the clothes and the money and everyone else and i don't i won't take a look at the truth because look at how busy i am.

and i don't even know what it's about because my head it churns it around and round and up and down and shreds what could potentially be the truth into little bits and pieces of nonsense that will not piece together because i don't even know where to start.

i feel that through this thing that i'm doing - this thing that i'm working towards- this fucking goal that offers the promise of something called a career- i feel like i am losing myself because i just don't have the time to catch up. and it always comes back to this, this place. and it terrifies me and what terrifies me is not that i find it terrifying it's that i find it so comfortable. and i know that this happens with me and i know it doesn't last forever and i know and i know but what i feel is not what i know and the feelings are what can be dangerous. or is it the lack of feeling- the apathy that i turn to because i am too fucking afraid to truly allow myself the fullness of feeling.

and i told myself i wouldn't go up in my head and here i am. it doesn't take much to get me there and i'm off to the races and the rest comes crumbling down and all of a sudden nothing is right and everything is too much and so much is just never enough.