Friday, December 29, 2006

basket o' dog-butt hooks

fun with the new digital camera days 1-3

this is the manger scene at my parents house. i used to be obsessed with setting it up. i especially loved holding the tiny little baby jesus.

cat in dresser. self explanatory.

see title of post.

50 cent hot dogs.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

truth or dare

i was at my parents the other day and my mom showed me one of those "here's a summary of our past year" photo holiday email card things that some people like to send. you know the ones. "beth graduated with a degree in mass communication, joe and alice had their 3rd kid, we redecorated the kitchen in 3 different shades of taupe! blablabla"

well this one was from the family of an old neighborhood friend. stacey was 2 years older and one of my closest friends back in the day. i practically lived at her house. it was there in her family's wood-paneled basement that i saw all the r-rated movies that my parents wouldn't let me watch. i saw my first "sex movie" (jungle fever) over at her house. when i was about 9, she taught me that tucking in my shirt was uncool, and i have never tucked it in since. when stacey was 13 she got cancer and i would go over there and she and i and her brother danny would play cards in between her violent bouts of nausea from the chemo. i remember when her hair fell out and at night i would watch her style her wig on a mannequin head for the next day.

she beat that shit and it never came back. she currently has a 6 year old son that i have never met and i wonder what she is like now and if her personality is the same. she was a fucking strong chick, and i'm not just saying that because she beat cancer. i mean, she was one of those people that could get you onto a roller coaster even tho you were were horribly afraid of heights and before you even knew what was happening you were on the fucking roller coaster and she was laughing and trying to convince you to release your death grip and put your arms in the air.

her brother danny was 3 years older than me. he was my first kiss. every summer all the kids in the neighborhood would play kick the can or other types of tag games. the year that i was going into 6th grade someone switched it up a bit and truth or dare became the game of choice. of course, just about no one picked truth. i think that danny and i were the first couple picked to actually kiss each other which was something i had never done before. i was the youngest and the quietest and the shyest one in the group, and i don't think anyone thought that we would really do it. but we were DARED to so really we had no choice.

i remember we walked behind a car and it was dark and here is this guy- my best friend's brother who had always been like gross and tormented me and once punched me in the stomach because he found out that i was the one who let the fireflies free from the jar in his closet- and here we are and now we have to kiss each other on the mouth and it was probably for a certain amount of seconds or something, i can't remember. so we are standing there and i am leaning against the car and he took a deep breath and stepped toward me and put his hands on either side of my face and pulled me toward him and kissed me real soft but hard at the same time, tongue and everything.

it was hot.

we played A LOT of truth or dare that summer, and for several seasons after. i remember danny and i always ended up as truth or dare partners somehow, and we both pretended to be all cool about it, like it totally didn't affect us at all, no big deal. and the dares became more and more detailed and it progressed into full-on make out sessions and we both acted like we just had to do it, like it was our job or something and we didn't really care. and we'd slip back into our old roles like nothing ever happened and i'd be over at the house hanging with stacey and we would watch the guys play basketball in the driveway and every now and then danny would look over at me and man i will never forget it. the way he looked at me and the way i felt and it was like a secret we shared.

and outside of the game nothing ever happened. i remember he asked me "out" at one point (actually, i believe his friend did it for him) and i was scared and freaked out and said no because i was in 6th grade and he was in 9th grade, in HIGH SCHOOL and that was a big deal, that kind of age difference.

so his parents sold him the old house and he lives there now with his wife (just celebrated their 1 year anniversary according to the email). he's got facial hair now and he looks like a man and now they call him dan. and i wondered what it would be like to see him again, what we would talk about and if i would still feel that funny little secret thrill when he looks at me. and i think about the idea of meeting up with all of them again, and the thought terrifies me. because i would feel this weird pressure on myself to show them that, LOOK guys, i'm different now. i'm not the quiet little scared nerdy chick from down the street anymore. i've lived a lot and i've changed a lot and i'm not the little kid anymore and you guys don't intimidate me anymore.

except they do.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

you asked for it

ok guys.
i hope this makes you happy.
i caved.
im tired of everyone being all, "hey murl, tell me more about your cats," or "show me a picture," or, "tell me more about that cute thing he did with the string and the doorknob."

i got a digital camera and i made my first video.

p.s. i am told i make that face a lot.
my brother just recently introduced me to Smoosh. i believe they are 12 and 14 now. here is one of their videos:

i dont know, i think they fuckin rock.

heavy head.
so drained.

i was listening to Mogwai while driving home from Philly the other day. it put me into some sort of meditative state that i liked very much.

i felt so positive and hopeful and creative and inspired.

how much was real and true?
how much was inspired by the coffee?
-that i supposedly quit earlier this week due to its anxiety-producing effects-

how much was simply because of the lack of traffic and therefore road-rage wellings from the depths of my dark little heart?

dont mind me its late and like i said im drained tired and bitter.

i should be grateful, right? my family is alive and healthy and not starving or homeless or violent. everyone has their shit.

goddamn all my should bes would be could bes.

Friday, December 15, 2006

the office is the best show on television

i have the attention span of a gerbil on acid

i keep sitting down to study and all of a sudden pop back up to make something to eat or to to do laundry or to listen to my cat's lung sounds with my stethoscope to make sure that she dosent have asthma (she is fat and breathes loudly). all very important things that i suddenly feel compelled to do RIGHT NOW! IT CANNOT WAIT ANOTHER MINUTE!!!

i am in nursing school and am not working and i am very poor. all the loan money from this semester is gone and i am being fucked up the ass by BlueCross BlueShield because they are fucking FUCKERS because i have to pay for everything out of pocket and mail in claim forms. and it takes over a month to get any money back and i want to go on a murderous rampage waiting for it. it is times like this that i start thinking, maybe i could go off medication. maybe i am normal now and dont need it. maybe i dont really need therapy. MAN UP! COME ON, SOLDIER! YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

ha. it would be nice. but now is certainly not the time to do any more fucking around with my brain chemicals.

there was this girl in my class who, whenever she decided to actually come in, would be wearing her Dolce and Gablabla sunglasses. and she never took them off. INSIDE with the fucking sunglasses on. it makes me all flustered just thinking about it. no idea why i brought that up.

here is a poem i wrote in highschool:

beautiful beheaded barbie sitting in a tree
why o why do you stare at me?
polly wanna cracker
polly wanna see
barbie was a superstar
do you wanna be?

that was during the year of the benzo addiction.
you're welcome.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006



Sunday, December 10, 2006

roadrage backlash

cant. get. off. couch.


last night i was driving and i came to a light and was gonna make a left so i was waiting for the opposing traffic to finish driving through and then i turned on red. and i look in the rear view and the person behind me turned too. and i think YOU ARE SUCH AN ASSHOLE that is DANGEROUS!

like somehow i justified that it is ok for me to do it but not ok for anyone else.

oh and later when i was going home this asshole did something asshole-ish i dont even remember what it was and i was tempted to flip him off. but i stopped because i remembered this:

one time i was driving home at like 3am with my friend k in the car. we were listening to cibo matto. and she was coming down from a loud manic frenzy so she was all slumped over spacing out and singing and well, i was just driving and listening to her sing like a high-pitched japanese girl (even tho she is not japanese).

so we are on the highway and there is absolutely NO ONE else on the road and there are like 3 or 4 lanes and i am in the far left one but it really doesnt matter where i am, you know, because no one else is around.

and out of nowhere a car comes up from behind and decides that he will get right behind me and ride my ass in order to muscle me into submissively changing lanes. and im like, "WHAT A PRICK" because really, he could have easily driven around me. BUT NO HE IS A FUCKING DOUCHE and has to crawl up my ass and be a tough guy.

so i give in and move over and sacrifice my pride because i dont feel like playing the game. but as he starts to pass me i decide that i am a tough guy too so i throw him the finger against the window without even looking over.

and out of the corner of my eye i see him all of a sudden slow down and i look over and it is a state trooper.

and my heart jumps into my throat and i say "FUCK" and he drops back and gets behind me. and then i say, "uh, k, i just flipped off a state trooper" because she didn't notice because she was too busy singing and orbiting inside her head.

so she sits up all straight and puts on her seatbelt and says, "are we done?" (hahahaha)

and he follows me for about 5 agonizing minutes while i am going over what i will say if he pulls me over. we decide i will say something like, "i am sorry. i wouldn't have normally done that but i thought my safety was being threatened." (looking back, i do not think there is any law against saying "fuck you" with your hand).

and then finally he pulls around me, and takes off at about 300 mph. and then we bust into hysterical laughter for the rest of the ride home.

Friday, December 8, 2006

i will never say hi to you again

i really do not like you, my next-door neighbor cunt. i used to try to be nice to you and say hi when i was walking in when you were outside smoking. but you never look at me or say hi, and most of the time you will turn your entire body away from me when i am walking up just so you can avoid any interaction. you are a fucking bitch.

and im sick of hearing you through the walls screaming at your little grandchild and threatening to beat her with your shoe. seriously, i hear you screaming "DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE OFF MY SHOE?!?!"

and that time that i was forced to knock on your door and ask to borrow your phone becasue i was locked out and you just stared at me as if i had just told you i wanted to give birth to your next grandchild and name him patrick swayze. and you didnt say anything you just went and got the phone and slammed the door in my face and then watched me through your window.

why dont you just go far way and live somewhere in the middle of nowhere so you dont have to be around people since you hate them so much.

Monday, November 27, 2006

and now for the wonderous vulva puppet

go here to get your very own. they are only $500-600.

Blodeuwedd is the beautiful Goddess from Whales. Her name means
"flower face". Folktales link her to the forest and especially the owl. She is made of deep dark brown velvet and silver and cream silk satin. Her adornment is Garnets and red glass seed beads. "

i was
unaware that there were folktales about vulvas.

i think i may start referring to mine as my "flowerface."

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

trippy little trip

this is super neat.

little drowning baby birds

it would be a lot easier to breathe if my nose wasn't so full of snot. it is amazing. sometimes i wonder where it all comes from. my body is an endless snot factory. i can't wait until i get a digital camera. i have gone through an entire kleenex box in the past 36 hours. i would take sudafed or something but i'm not really into the whole "just did a bunch of meth" feeling so much anymore.

earlier i was driving down this street- the kind that have the little trees planted every so often down the median- and i noticed, since all the leaves are gone, all the birds nests. there were a shitload of them. almost every tree had a little birds nest in it. some more than one. and for some reason i couldn't stop looking at all the little birds nests and thinking about how crazy it is, the process the birds must go through to build them and how their instincts tell them to do it and how wild all that is. so it was starting to rain a little and then i started thinking, WAIT! what are the birds going to do?! what do they do in their nests when it rains and they have their eggs or babies in there? and i know some of those nests are thick and they could probably collect water and i am imagining it in my snot-filled head, conjuring up an image of this distressed little bird whose nest is filling up with cold water and the eggs are floating and i am like starting to get all anxious just thinking about it, freaking myself out the way i do like when i start thinking about homeless animals and lonely old people and i'm becoming all distraught-like.

and then i finally realized that it is WINTER time and the birds are not there because they don't lay eggs in the winter. and when they are there in the spring and what-not the leaves are probably protecting them from the rain and potential nest-flooding situation.

and then i start wondering about the directions my mind tends to wander in and how it starts and where it can end up and how i really want to pay more attention to this kind of stuff. like the details that i don't normally pay attention to because i am so caught up in my day to day life stuff. and how i've been wanting so badly to start writing again, writing about something, ANYTHING for chrissakes and how i feel like i've been blocked for so long and it's about time to do something about that. like i used to have this outlet and not only did i have a way of expressing myself and going into some sort of creative head zone, which, not only was it my fucking therapy for myself, but i was good at it. it was like, the thing i was good at and it's been missing for way too long. so i figured maybe i would write about the weird little things that pop in and out of my head and maybe that would be a start. and not worry about writing amazing things that will make people think i'm so awesome and funny and interesting. because i have been spending a ridiculous amount of time (instead of studying- i'm good at finding alternatives to doing that) snooping through people's blogs on here (yes i am totally new to this stuff) and finding so many interesting people who are super awesome writers and who have a fucking great sense of humor- like my kinda humor- which is so rare these days for me to find. so what i mean to say is, it's pretty cool. i guess that's the whole point of this thing, right? to put your stuff out there and maybe someone else on the opposite side of the globe can find it and say, hey, yeah. i'm not the only freak who thinks this way, huh? cause everyone wants to connect. and i can finally admit that about myself.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

the depraved Amish

so yesterday I posted a bulletin on my myspace about how i needed people to feel sorry for me and bring me stuff and write my Amish people paper. this is what my friend john wrote me:

I hope you feel better. The most important thing about a good paper is your thesis statement, and I think this intro paragraph would lay the foundation for an excellent paper.

Horse drawn buggies, hand made quilts, and barn raising's are all things synonymous with a group of people commonly referred to as 'The Amish.' However, barns aren't the only things that the so called Amish raise. A culture as rich in sadism and depravity as their freshly churned butter is in flavor. Sex, lies, and betrayal are as much a part of Amish culture, as baseball and apple pie are of the American Dream.

i don't know where he got this from, or if he made it up himself. but i think it is an amazing idea.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

I am sick

i need people to feel sorry for me and bring me stuff.
i am sick. i have a fever and i am delirious.
i haven't talked to anyone except for my cats today. and they can't bring me stuff.

i rented a horrible movie last night. i don't know what i was thinking. the delirium must have started then. i wanted to take it back to blockbuster and exchange it but all i could do was sleep.

i need to write a paper about Amish people and their childbirthing process. but instead i am writing my first blog.

i need people to feel sorry for me and bring me stuff and write my Amish people paper.