Wednesday, December 26, 2007

a special announcement brought to you on behalf of christmas

i need to try in the morning before the coffee passes my lips and stirs up the neurons that scrape across the cheesegrater that makes up my mind. my clock doesn't work and in succession every light i hit on blows off and stays that way because how many of me does it take to change a lightbulb? none apparently i don't care leave them off. inspiration inspiration little glimmers coming back little sparks of light where there havent been in quite some time but the trick is heres the trick- just try to get a grasp on those slippery little shits its not easy i tell you. and heres the thing on another subject because i cant stick with just one subject because they all melt in and out amongst one another all the time- heres the thing- i know what i want and i know what i dont. its true ive finally figured it out. i want what i dont think is possible and i dont want it when i get it. typical right? right. exactly its true and ive always known it and nothing is changing that truth that ive noticed. its always been there and i fear it always will. and yes i know i know i know its not the right way to think i need to take off the shit-colored glasses of perception so to speak as they say and let go of the mentality the blame the role i place myself into again and again right. right right right i know i know but how do i make the know into the feel into the truth? maybe its just time to shut up.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

what if all the stars are just an illusion
and the truth lies somewhere between here and china
i guess we better find something else to wish on
and start digging

Sunday, December 16, 2007

free rats

i can't even tell you how many people have found my blog by searching for "naked ballerina." a whole lot. and i find it strange that they seem to linger to read it even when i don't have any pictures of naked ballerinas.

(burnt down dunkin donuts)

Thursday, December 13, 2007

the pieces

sometimes i am not sure what is the truth. what is my truth, as i would say if i wanted to say something like that, which i don't right now. when i am not sure what the truth is i feel like i'm regressing. but i don't even know what i mean by saying that.

my head has caught up with me it always does. i run and run and i look at school and i look at the dishes and i look at the cats and i look at the bills and i look at my friends' problems and i look at the job and the car and the men and the clothes and the money and everyone else and i don't i won't take a look at the truth because look at how busy i am.

and i don't even know what it's about because my head it churns it around and round and up and down and shreds what could potentially be the truth into little bits and pieces of nonsense that will not piece together because i don't even know where to start.

i feel that through this thing that i'm doing - this thing that i'm working towards- this fucking goal that offers the promise of something called a career- i feel like i am losing myself because i just don't have the time to catch up. and it always comes back to this, this place. and it terrifies me and what terrifies me is not that i find it terrifying it's that i find it so comfortable. and i know that this happens with me and i know it doesn't last forever and i know and i know but what i feel is not what i know and the feelings are what can be dangerous. or is it the lack of feeling- the apathy that i turn to because i am too fucking afraid to truly allow myself the fullness of feeling.

and i told myself i wouldn't go up in my head and here i am. it doesn't take much to get me there and i'm off to the races and the rest comes crumbling down and all of a sudden nothing is right and everything is too much and so much is just never enough.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

my nostalgia

We look at the world once, in childhood.
The rest is memory.

From Nostos,
by Louise Gluck

Friday, November 30, 2007

here are some things to think about

yes i made this and submitted it to i can has cheezburger yes i know i need some fresh air. it started off as a joke and escaladed into obsession...

a collection of terrifying and mysterious found babydolls.

this is what they do.

more cat pictures by popular demand.

red trees in the mcneighborhood.

i need this bumper sticker.


the WHAT of the lord?

Thursday, November 29, 2007

jif peanut butter

you know how back in the day they had those jif peanut butter commercials where the kid would open the jar and there'd be a heart carved into it? well i remember i used to hold onto the false hope that that heart would be there when we opened a new jar of peanut butter and it never was. and every time i'd be disappointed. and every time i'd be filled with the sinking sensation that if i wanted a heart carved into the peanut butter that i would have to be the one to do it. so i did but it was never as satisfying as i felt it should be.

there is nothing quite like the smell of dirty linen and dying and hospital food at 7 in the morning. and the moment when his nurse turns to me and says you know, i almost wish he'd expire while you're here so you'd get the experience of seeing what that's like. meanwhile i am looking at his eyes, fixed and dilated, wondering if he can hear her. wondering what the hell else people have said at his bedside while he lays there dying.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

jeezus fuck

so i somehow managed to pull a muscle in my neck/upper back or pinch a nerve or something that is very painful earlier today while WASHING MY HAIR. i guess i should have stretched before attempting to take a shower. i can barely move my head and have to twist my entire body in order to look in different directions.

i have been a crazyladyperson for several weeks now due to the horror-producing anxiety stress aneuyrsm that is the cardiac portion of this semester. altho i guess i can't use the word aneurysm anymore in that sense now that i know what it is.

ahh fuck i just want this school shit to be OVER. i am so sick of living in a world of stress and anxiety attacks on the regular. whenever i am studying i am thinking of other things i could do to further distract myself and every waking minute that im not studying i am guilting myself and telling myself what a goddamned whore i am for not studying. it is pretty vicious inside my head these days.

i talk about it so much that my friends are all like oh i'm sure you're fine, you are ALWAYS studying. what they don't seem to understand is that i am alwaying TALKING and OBSESSING about it, and spending ridiculous amounts of time at home alone not studying kind of like what i'm doing right now, and the actual time i am studying is pretty minimal. i read 2 paragraphs and i'm like WHEW i deserve a 3 hour break! ok time for more coffee.

Thursday, November 8, 2007


coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffee or nap or coffeeornaporcoffeeornaporcoffeeornaporcoffeeornap?

i cannot decide. either way i will have problems.

in other news, this!



now THIS is different.
let's skip all the internal stuff shall we?

black pretend penis.
that is all for now. sorry i just felt like being 14 today. i am gonna go drink coffee now i think.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Thursday, November 1, 2007

this past weekend

recent text message conversation>

murl: who do you think is gayer me or you?

kali: its a tie!

murl: we both took artistic pictures of hacks lil blue ramp

kali: oh my god i just laughed out loud

and for halloween.......
get yer rave on!

thank you ebay for the last-minute ridiculously large pants.

i made the necklaces myself. too bad you can't see what the letters say ("i love drugs" and "candy roll party")

i lost in the "most creative" contest to grapes tho. i guess i gotta hand it to her....

ritchie and margot tenenbaum won "best couple," as they should've.

come on now!! kali is talented. i think the floppy pink gloves were my favorite part.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007


i am sick and i am sick of it. sometimes tho i like being sick. don't get me wrong it sucks to be sick. but sometimes what i like is the fuzziness in my head, the way your head clouds when you are sick and sometimes it is almost similar to being stoned. is that sick? it is cloudy and muggy and the things you think about you repeat back to yourself in your head and it's almost like you can hear yourself saying it. and it reminds me a little of what it was like all those years sitting on the landing of the iron staircase off my parents kitchen chain smoking and scribbling incoherant works of profound genius in my stoner little notebook about being comfortably numb and quoting a bunch of pink floyd and shit, nodding in and out and coming to and seeing the amount of time i lost in the lump of ash that was dangling off the end of my cigarette. and remembering what it was like to have those little aha moments -that sounds like something oprah would say- where id realize my fucking potential and think things to myself about how fucking brilliant i was and for a moment i could see the truth about life and i just knew i was alone in it and at the same time hating myself so much so much wanting to fucking drive myself into head-on traffic because there was no hope that it would ever get better or that i would ever be not so fucking alone in it. its funny looking back and seeing how those two ends of the spectrum existed at the same time. but from what ive seen and the people ive known ive come to realize that those 2 viewpoints tend to go hand-in-hand it happens all the time. ive seen the greatest minds of our generation also tend to be the fucking stupidest. where did all this come from? i dont know i am sick i was just sitting here looking at my cat look at me and i started to remember some things.

Friday, October 26, 2007

my life

this is what my cat does when i ignore him for 5 seconds. i do not have the energy to sort thru those papers they are killing me.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

West Virginia!!!

i went camping in west virginia this weekend. here.