sick

i am sick and i am sick of it. sometimes tho i like being sick. don't get me wrong it sucks to be sick. but sometimes what i like is the fuzziness in my head, the way your head clouds when you are sick and sometimes it is almost similar to being stoned. is that sick? it is cloudy and muggy and the things you think about you repeat back to yourself in your head and it's almost like you can hear yourself saying it. and it reminds me a little of what it was like all those years sitting on the landing of the iron staircase off my parents kitchen chain smoking and scribbling incoherant works of profound genius in my stoner little notebook about being comfortably numb and quoting a bunch of pink floyd and shit, nodding in and out and coming to and seeing the amount of time i lost in the lump of ash that was dangling off the end of my cigarette. and remembering what it was like to have those little aha moments -that sounds like something oprah would say- where id realize my fucking potential and think things to myself about how fucking brilliant i was and for a moment i could see the truth about life and i just knew i was alone in it and at the same time hating myself so much so much wanting to fucking drive myself into head-on traffic because there was no hope that it would ever get better or that i would ever be not so fucking alone in it. its funny looking back and seeing how those two ends of the spectrum existed at the same time. but from what ive seen and the people ive known ive come to realize that those 2 viewpoints tend to go hand-in-hand it happens all the time. ive seen the greatest minds of our generation also tend to be the fucking stupidest. where did all this come from? i dont know i am sick i was just sitting here looking at my cat look at me and i started to remember some things.