Monday, January 29, 2007

knobby knees

i was quite the flashy dresser back in the day. back when fluorescent was all the rage and it was cool to pull the corner of your shirt through a little plastic loop. i think i also had a zebra-patterned loopy thing. HOT. man i remember that pony. i was at a petting zoo and i became OBSESSED with that damn pony. i think i even gave it a name. i hung out with the pony for a few hours i think and decided that i would save it from its carny life. when my parents dragged me away i threw a screaming crying fit. it was nothing but talk about "my pony" for weeks after. man i was attached. i have another picture of me with that toobigformyhead hat on the pony's head. it is on my friend's fridge. i think i should start wearing bike shorts again.

Sunday, January 7, 2007

i still don't know what death means

i decided friday night i woud drive to philly and stay with my friend nico for the weekend. it is good to get away from town every now and then.

it was dark and foggy and raining and i was listening to neutral milk hotel and zoning out with the rythym of the windshield wipers. i was debating about whether or not i should listen to what my body was trying to tell me or ignore it. it was telling me that i was getting sick and that i was sleep deprived and my head was the heavy foggy feeling and my throat felt tight. i decided to ignore it.

i was just passing the airport, almost there when i got that call. like the call i will always remember what i was doing when i got it because it hit me full speed like a ton of bricks right in my chest.

my friend pete calls me and asks me did i know that paul died. which paul? there are several. he is confused and trying to figure that out himself. he says he just heard that "dirty paul" OD'd and died. he was from towson. i say WAIT are you talking about paul MY EX, hippy paul?!? he is not from towson who the fuck are you talking about? my heart drops and my head clears up and i feel it i know it was him i just need to hear it. pete gets quiet because now he realizes what he just told me and says that he isn't sure. i should call mark because he knows for sure.

i feel numb and and my head is racing as i call mark and i can feel myself starting to shake. he answers and i tell him i heard that paul died and i need to know which paul. he tells me that yes it was paul n----. he OD'd and died and someone found him yesterday.

my mind blanks and my chest drops and i can't say anything. we sit on the phone in silence for a minute and i tell him i have to go i am driving and i should get off the phone. he asks if i am ok and tells me he will let me know about the funeral arrangements when he finds out. i hang up and i see paul in my head and i start remembering things and it flashes in front of me his face and everything and i start to cry and i say fuck over and over again and i hit the dashboard and i am almost at nico's house i need to not be driving right now.

and i get there and i fall apart and i don't know how to do this. i don't know how to do this. i don't know how to deal with this. and he keeps fashing in front of me and i keep seeing him and i remember the last conversation i had with him.

i had just moved into my current apartment so it was 2 years ago about. he called me and told me he relapsed. he said he went to a party and took ecstacy and had a great time. he was smoking pot and everything was fine. he did not want to do heroin at all, it is the last thing he wants to do. i said ok, well what makes you think that you can use drugs recreationally? someone with your history paul, don't you think that maybe the odds are against someone like you? he says he knows, he knows, the odds are not good and he says he wished he could say he wanted to be clean again but he doesn't. and he really does not have any interest in doing heroin ever again. i say ok i know, paul, but for how long? you know this shit is progressive. people DIE doing this shit. what makes you think you are any different? he says "i know, babe. i'm being careful."

and now he is dead and now i am numb because i got all emotional about it already and now i just can't feel it again because it is too much. and i don't have any kind of understanding of death that i am comfortable with because i don't believe in heaven and hell and i don't know if i believe in reincarnation or ghosts or what. all i know is he is gone and he was a really good guy and i will never see him again or be crushed by one of his bearhugs or anything. and i am feeling it and i don't want to.

Thursday, January 4, 2007

facial chewing

you know you want to watch this.
no one has to know.
i'm not ashamed, you shouldn't be.
you can't help yourself.
just do it and get it over with.


Wednesday, January 3, 2007

dear diary,

i hate it when i see people and they say "happy new year!" and i then am forced to say it too. i mean, i don't know, i just don't really care about it. it happens every year. it is just another day to me. the only important holiday really is my birthday, because i get stuff and don't have to get anything for anyone else. hahaha.

oh and halloween too. because that is the only holiday that i still get excited about. like the way i feel about halloween hasn't changed since i was a kid, so that is pretty special.

so i went and saw Clutch on new year's eve. it was pretty good, altho by the time they came on i was kinda tired from standing around. when they came on i had annoying bouncy chick and her rockstar boyfriend thrashing around in front of me. they were the type that had like 3 feet of space in front of them but had to thrash around backwards and take up all of my personal breathing space. i guess that is to be expected at this show. maybe i am becoming an old lady.

oh but listen- boyfriend guy was a long haired dude (like the type of long straight hair that girls are jealous of) wearing one of those shirts with the sleeves cut off. i mean come on, there is no excuse for that.

i took some pictures that didn't turn out so great.
kali and friends...
she knocked some dude down with her eyebrow. it broke her glasses too but she didn't care because she is tough as nails.

here is Clutch on stage:ok so the pictures didn't work but i did get some video that visually, is much better. i can not say the same for the sound, tho. by the end of the show he seemed either really tired or drunk, i'm not sure. maybe both. here ya go:

p.s. here is kali's horny boydog humping her boy's girldog (note the porno money shot):