Saturday, August 25, 2007

filth and dereliction

here is a haiku:

listen up here cat
i will be forced to shave you
please stop shedding now

the other day the disgustingness that i had let my apartment become was overwhelming me to the point that i had to do something. but first i decided to take some pictures because that was fun. i told myself that maybe by having the pictures to look at i would become motivated to actually clean. but then i took a nap because the idea of cleaning is very exhausting.

today i finally did it. it took everything i had, and i even did 300 loads of laundry. it was a productive day. i assure you tho, my sink is full AGAIN. it happened like 5 minutes after i did the dishes. i swear i just had a cup of coffee and the next thing i know, there was a monstrosity in my sink.

HIP HIP HOORAY for the pez dispenser collection, FINALLY back on display! if you count you will notice that there is the EXACT SAME NUMBER of pez guys on each shelf. also note: there can not be 2 of the same color standing next to each other anywhere. shit, at least i didn't group them into categories- I'M NOT THAT OBSESSIVE!

i am irritated that there is so much blank space in my stupid layout here.
<---------------- see? it makes my paragraphs take up a lot of space and this bothers me.

i do not know how to change this. i imagine it has to do with not having one of those custom blogger layouts but i do not know how to do fancy computer stuff. please point me in the right direction if you know how to do this.

you are the parking lot champion

you know what is funny? i was looking at these pictures thinking, oh my, i should certainly blur out this person's license plate if i am going to post this on the internet.

and then i realized, RICH PRICKS who ruin MY PARKING SPOT at 8am when i am going into work certainly deserve to be exposed on the internet.

also, i have found interesting ways to help pass the time at this job. camera manual-setting experimentation time!

Saturday, August 11, 2007

hairless cat with a fucked up rash

do you know what it feels like to pet a hairless cat?make that a hairless cat with a fucked up rash. if you know what that is like then you know what it feels like to pet my arm.

so back to the whole purple thing, my friends are all, yeah, you should probably shave or nair your armhair so that the paint goes on and looks better. which for some reason made perfect sense to me at the time. i was like OH OF COURSE. because sometimes i am not very smart.

well it is just now growing back but i have a really FUCKED UP rash and i'm not sure if it's a result of the veet i used or the purple. i am rather self-conscious about my fucked up rash because i feel as tho it points out to the world, LOOK I SHAVED MY ARMHAIR. and i would rather that the whole world not think that i shaved my armhair (you would think that feeling this way would prevent me from forcing everyone to pet my arms but it doesn't). and it's not like if i were to explain to the whole world WHY i don't have armhair it would sound much better. oh well.

so i was going to write a whole post on what it was like to walk around a festival with thousands and thousands of people all over the place while wearing a bathing suit and being painted purple. but i dunno, the magic has kinda worn off by now and i'm not really feeling it. i will sum it up i guess.sometimes i felt ok in a this is kinda liberating/fun/out-of-body/artsy kind of surreal way and then every so often i would feel a surge of panic and realize what i was doing and think what the FUCK am i doing?? this is ridiculous and bizarre and EVERYONE IS STARING AT ME OH GOD EVERYONE IS STARING. and then after a few minutes i'd forget and be ok again. LISTEN this sort of thing for me is NOT easy to do sober. also without smoking. i wanted to smoke because then at least i would have had SOMETHING to do with myself.peoples' reactions were mixed. sometimes we'd walk by people and they'd say WOW AWESOME! and high five us and that was nice. other people would come up with crinkled up faces and say all snotty-like uh, why are you guys all painted?also people were constantly taking pictures. this is a weird thing for me. when it was just random drunks i would make ridiculous death-metal faces and strike insane poses. my signature was the mary katherine gallagher "SUPERSTAR."this one always went over very well.

however when photographer people wanted to get pictures of all us together i was like OH FUCK because i have no idea how to do that sort of shit. i blame my mom because she ONLY took posed pictures where my brothers and i would have to stand side by side for like 10 minutes in front of a certain bush outside or against a special wall or something that she felt would make a particularly perfect backdrop while she tried to figure out how to operate the camera. our faces always turned to stone so that is the only thing i know how to do in these situations. then people always say shit like what's wrong? you look ANGRY. i never understand why they would think that until i see the actual pictures.

also i cannot SMILE on demand. as soon as i realize that a camera is on me my face contorts into some horrible configuration that tyra banks would be ashamed of. my mom always called it "the smirk." year after year i would bring home my school pictures and my mom would freak out: OH NO [MURL] it's the SMIRK again!!! why can't you just SMILE like a NORMAL PERSON??

so the other girls were launching into these cute/sexy-type poses and i was standing there wanting to die. HELLO how much more OUT OF YOUR ELEMENT could you be murl? those were the moments that i realized i would never be america's next top model.

wow i wrote a lot more than i thought i would.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

my armpits are still somewhat purple

someone please tell me why i keep buying bagged lettuce. you know, the type for salads. i never use it and then a week later i remember that it is there and it is nasty brown and makes the refrigerator smell like rotting vegetable carcass.

so i did something a bit out of character this weekend. i agreed to walk around the virgin festival on sunday in a bathing suit covered in purple body paint which was then tagged over by graffiti artists.
uh, what? yes.

i will tell you why this is an especially unusual thing for me to do. several reasons:

1. i don't like festivals. crowds freak me out. especially massive ones. also i cannot handle the nasty heat and humidity. this, in combination with the hoards of people surrounding me makes me feel like i am dying. oh and drunk people fucking suck to be around when you are not drunk.

2. i have trouble being in a bathing suit sometimes, even when i am AT THE POOL or BEACH or a place like that where EVERYONE ELSE is is a bathing suit as well. so you can see how doing this at a place where i am one of very few people in a bathing suit amongst a crowd of several thousand who are not wearing bathing suits could be difficult.

3. i am weird about attention. i am much more comfortable being a people-watcher than a people-interacter-er. i am used to not really being noticed by people i don't know. don't get me wrong, i am an attention whore when it is a one-on-one type of setting, but when it comes to groups of people, then no.

4. i feel as tho purple isn't really the best color to complement my skin tone.

first let's talk about the night before. patrick (formerly known as the "crazy maniac behind the wheel" and "pete" altho now he knows about and has commented on my blog so i can use his real name) got us into the festival for free and VIP on saturday by knowing a famous person. this is why it is always good to know famous people. well we had trouble getting in because OF COURSE they couldn't find our names for 2 hours because they couldn't figure out how to look at a list, i guess.

so we got to go back and watch from the side of the stage while his famous friend's band performed. YAY AWESOMENESS. at one point i looked over at the hot dude playing with a set of drumsticks sitting next to me and we exchanged a brief smile and then i thought OH SUPER AWESOME because i realized he was with tv on the radio, one of my new favorite bands ever. but don't worry, i played it totally cool like i didn't even know because that is how cool i am.

p.s. that is a great way to meet people that you want to meet, by the way. just act like you don't even notice them because you are so cool. when the rest of the band came and were hanging out backstage patrick told me i should get a picture and i had to tell him that i couldn't because that would out me as uncool and i couldn't risk it. of course now i wish that i had.

then we got to go back to the special important people area where EVERYONE was totally COOL and got free food and sat on couches outside. but when we left to go see tv on radio perform we didn't have patrick's famous friend with us so we were no longer allowed into the cool people areas. SHIT. later we ran into my friends who were wearing bathing suits and painted different colors of the rainbow (promotional gig my friend is starting up- in this case promoting the skatepark of baltimore). they were short one girl/color and asked if i'd like to do it the following day. HELL NO i said.

over the next few hours i thought about it and said things to patrick like, i could never do you think i should do it?...i can't do that...i CANNOT walk around in a BATHING SUIT are you kidding me?...maybe i should do it...i really wanna see the yeah yeah yeahs tomorrow...but i have a RESEARCH PAPER to write...i think i'm gonna do it.

ok more later i am tired and have to go avoid my research paper that is due thursday some more.

Saturday, August 4, 2007

dear the 3 people who sometimes read my blog,

you should totally get this book by dave white. it is so hysterical that i actually was all LOL and shit. and trust me if i- someone who isn't really into expressing human emotions even if it is just in front of myself- would go so far as to actually laugh audibly, sitting here alone in my home (let alone lower myself by using the term "LOL ") than it MUST be pretty damn other news, did you know that baltimore's slogan is- prepare yourself for the genius- "GET IN ON IT." yes, wow.they spent 1/2 a million bucks coming up with GET IN ON IT. i think that is just pure amazingness. they try to say that 500,000 was worth it to spend on GET IN ON IT, because it will demand more tourists to come here and spend their money at the fucking inner harbour, which will pay us back like tenfold. uh, i don't know, maybe you could have used the 500,000 to fix the fucking pothole-ridden streets, or maybe put some streetlights up in the ghettos or make an ATTEMPT at ACTUALLY DOING something to benefit this city. here is what says regarding the "research" that was spent brainstorming this phenomenal phrase:

"Our new brand identity didn't just happen. It was guided and informed by months of market research and consumer testing... After 10 months of careful research, thinking, testing and tweaking, our wonderful logo and a memorable themeline emerged."

TEN MONTHS OF CAREFUL THINKING what could be more obvious? i would like to meet this panel of braniacs.
HA i don't know who originally created this image i found it on myspace.

baltimore seems to have a history of amazing slogans. like this:indeed.

i looked around but couldn't find any park benches that still had "BALTIMORE THE CITY THAT READS" with a homeless dude sleeping on them like i saw during the first few years that i lived here. i shit you not.