truth or dare

i was at my parents the other day and my mom showed me one of those "here's a summary of our past year" photo holiday email card things that some people like to send. you know the ones. "beth graduated with a degree in mass communication, joe and alice had their 3rd kid, we redecorated the kitchen in 3 different shades of taupe! blablabla"

well this one was from the family of an old neighborhood friend. stacey was 2 years older and one of my closest friends back in the day. i practically lived at her house. it was there in her family's wood-paneled basement that i saw all the r-rated movies that my parents wouldn't let me watch. i saw my first "sex movie" (jungle fever) over at her house. when i was about 9, she taught me that tucking in my shirt was uncool, and i have never tucked it in since. when stacey was 13 she got cancer and i would go over there and she and i and her brother danny would play cards in between her violent bouts of nausea from the chemo. i remember when her hair fell out and at night i would watch her style her wig on a mannequin head for the next day.

she beat that shit and it never came back. she currently has a 6 year old son that i have never met and i wonder what she is like now and if her personality is the same. she was a fucking strong chick, and i'm not just saying that because she beat cancer. i mean, she was one of those people that could get you onto a roller coaster even tho you were were horribly afraid of heights and before you even knew what was happening you were on the fucking roller coaster and she was laughing and trying to convince you to release your death grip and put your arms in the air.

her brother danny was 3 years older than me. he was my first kiss. every summer all the kids in the neighborhood would play kick the can or other types of tag games. the year that i was going into 6th grade someone switched it up a bit and truth or dare became the game of choice. of course, just about no one picked truth. i think that danny and i were the first couple picked to actually kiss each other which was something i had never done before. i was the youngest and the quietest and the shyest one in the group, and i don't think anyone thought that we would really do it. but we were DARED to so really we had no choice.

i remember we walked behind a car and it was dark and here is this guy- my best friend's brother who had always been like gross and tormented me and once punched me in the stomach because he found out that i was the one who let the fireflies free from the jar in his closet- and here we are and now we have to kiss each other on the mouth and it was probably for a certain amount of seconds or something, i can't remember. so we are standing there and i am leaning against the car and he took a deep breath and stepped toward me and put his hands on either side of my face and pulled me toward him and kissed me real soft but hard at the same time, tongue and everything.

it was hot.

we played A LOT of truth or dare that summer, and for several seasons after. i remember danny and i always ended up as truth or dare partners somehow, and we both pretended to be all cool about it, like it totally didn't affect us at all, no big deal. and the dares became more and more detailed and it progressed into full-on make out sessions and we both acted like we just had to do it, like it was our job or something and we didn't really care. and we'd slip back into our old roles like nothing ever happened and i'd be over at the house hanging with stacey and we would watch the guys play basketball in the driveway and every now and then danny would look over at me and man i will never forget it. the way he looked at me and the way i felt and it was like a secret we shared.

and outside of the game nothing ever happened. i remember he asked me "out" at one point (actually, i believe his friend did it for him) and i was scared and freaked out and said no because i was in 6th grade and he was in 9th grade, in HIGH SCHOOL and that was a big deal, that kind of age difference.

so his parents sold him the old house and he lives there now with his wife (just celebrated their 1 year anniversary according to the email). he's got facial hair now and he looks like a man and now they call him dan. and i wondered what it would be like to see him again, what we would talk about and if i would still feel that funny little secret thrill when he looks at me. and i think about the idea of meeting up with all of them again, and the thought terrifies me. because i would feel this weird pressure on myself to show them that, LOOK guys, i'm different now. i'm not the quiet little scared nerdy chick from down the street anymore. i've lived a lot and i've changed a lot and i'm not the little kid anymore and you guys don't intimidate me anymore.

except they do.