catpower just got harder to listen to

"oh my god i can't believe this."
the girl behind the counter in the card shop couldn't believe it.
"heath ledger is dead!"

"what? oh my god! that is so sad!"
the lady in the fur coat with the too bright fuckme red lipstick couldn't believe it either.

"i am in shock."
they agreed that it was shocking and so sad.
then they began to discuss whether they thought it was drug-related or not.

i can't believe it either. i am standing in the greeting card aisle watching and listening to these women mourn the man who is now their favorite celebrity.

put down your people magazine because here is some real drug-related tragedy for you. three people whose lives crossed mine and baltimore and the people i love died this past week and that is a lot closer to you than hollywood will ever be.

one was a new father and one was a man that kissed me once
and burned me my first catpower cd and one was a woman i never quite knew but i had watched our paths cross several times.

these people were fucking young and they never knew they had a chance. or maybe they did but they were just too tired. sometimes you surrender and lightness is revealed. they surrendered and darkness swallowed them up. who is to say which one it will be? i don't know i don't think anyone does.

and THAT,

now that is truly sad.

choking on ego

delete fucking everything would if i could. another down-swing and i plummet fast. trying to hold on close your eyes it will all be over soon but in the meantime fuck the meantime. fuck you fuck him fuck it.

i feel it all now and it is sometimes unbearable. the feelings wash over me warm and cool waves over my head down my face and into my chest knotting and twisting up settling in my throat waiting for release. it comes so easily now and i still fight it but it's a lot harder to hold it down. and i feel like i'm crumbling and i'm not used to this i'm not used to being unable to control this.

i can never seem to get far enough away
while at the same time
it always feels too far

pretend not to look

jabs of electricity
shudder through
when i look up
and catch
his gaze
across the room
we both pretend
we aren't looking