it has been hard to write for like 10+? years now. saying anything about anything with the phrase "for like 10 years now" feels awful strange. but anyway, it has been hard. in a way that is so frustrating and maddening that i want to just give up.
i know it is still in me somewhere and it pisses me off to think that maybe what is holding me back is the shit that i take that initially saved me that i now resent for giving me this fucking apathy and what, may i ask is worse? i can't tell. maybe none of that is even true. maybe i am just fucking lazy and all i have to do is try and i'm just giving up without even making an effort.
i cannot tell anymore i am really sick of it.
i watched a show on discovery health the other day called "coma" and it was about these people coming out of comas and they were explaining the difference between a "vegetative state" vs. a "semi-conscious state." basically what you want is a semi-conscious state because that means there is hope. and the whole thing was so fucking heartbreaking and its like thank god it's not my brother who fell off a bridge and is now a fucking vegetable and just sits there in his wheelchair and everyone is staring at him and showing him pictures and looking into his eyes and trying to find something that the doctors tell them just isn't there anymore and every day it is like this for this family. and every so often he just starts crying but he doesn't communicate, can't respond to anything.
and it is just so painful to watch and throughout the show they are saying that once a year has passed like this the hope is basically nil. and the docs are telling the family they are going to cut down on his physical therapy to 3 times a week and his family freaks out because they are being told essentially that the hope is gone and and it just went on and on like this. i cannot even imagine.
anyway i should be grateful, right?
1 comment:
murl!!
don't should on yourself.
you're as grateful as you can be right now.
i love you.
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