tim hawkinson

just wanted to let you know that this guy is a fuckin genius (see more here). saw a show of his at the whitney museum in NYC 2 years ago and it blew me away (review of what i saw). i desperately need to see his stuff again!!

bird made of fingernail clippings:

once upon a time we took acid and missed the dolphin show

it was one of those drugs that i had decided i wouldn't mess with anymore. it just wasn't really fun like it used to be. the magic had kinda soured and every time i'd do it i'd say okay, it's getting too weird i can't do this anymore. but i always forgot that part.

my friends asked if i wanted to take acid with them and go to the aquarium. i hesitated for 0.78 seconds and i said well sure. this had always been an aspiration of mine in back in highschool- to trip at the aquarium- but i never got to fulfill it. so it seemed like the right thing to do.

so we went and by the time we stopped at the gas station it was starting to kick in. i realized this when i noticed we had been sitting in front of the gas pump for 20 minutes and had forgotten what we were doing and no one was sure whether or not we had actually pumped the gas yet. mary was the only one who wasn't on acid so she was trying to coordinate us but it was not an easy job.

we managed to get to the aquarium. only $5 on fridays after 5. i sat on a bench waiting for someone else to purchase the tickets, because i knew i couldn't do it myself. i didn't think i would be able to get thru the process efficiently enough. i watched people walking by and then i saw him. it was bill nye the science guy leaving the aquarium. he had a briefcase in his hand and his head was massive. BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY i say and he looks up at me without breaking a stride and says "hey hey" and he keeps walking.
i looked around to see if anyone else was as excited as i was about my bill nye spotting. no one else seemed impressed. did you guys see that- it was bill nye the science guy!? they nod but obviously aren't as wowed by it. he seems a lot friendlier on TV. he sure wasn't very friendly. man, he has a huge head did you see the size of his head??

i continue to say bill nye the science guy over and over, every few minutes throughout the remainder of the evening. "YEAH WE KNOW, bill nye the science guy, WE SAW HIM TOO." mary said at some point.

once we get in we lose jeff. he was mad that we missed the dolphin show so he stormed off ahead of everyone.

it is dark in there and everything is illuminated by the tanks. i find myself lost in the fish. at some point i realize that my face is smushed against the glass of a tank, and that was not a normal thing to do. i look around to see if anyone is looking at me and see a little kid next to me with his face smushed against the fishtank. i am just like a child i think.. say? did i just say that out loud?

i make my way up an escalator into the "rainforest." as you go up the room opens up. vines are hanging down and birds are chirping and everything is out in the open (little monkeys if you look closely). i start having what i think is some important revelation about how now that i'm entering the rainforest everything is out in the open and touchable, whereas behind me everything is behind glass. at the moment i think this a bug flies up my nose.

my brain nearly exploded when this happened because i felt like the bug was proving my point by interacting with me in this manner. this became a very important moment for me- i felt like i had really figured out something that was a secret to everyone else. i couldn't wait to tell everyone about the bug flying up my nose.

2 hours later mary came and found me staring at sloth hanging from a tree and dragged me out of the rainforest, saying that the aquarium was trying to close for the night. a bug flew up my nose! i tried explaining it to her she didn't get it. the bug thing replaced my bill nye mantra.

we get to the end of the aquarium and see jeff sitting behind the information desk.
mary: "what the HELL are you doing??"
jeff: "i'm giving people information."
mary: "jeff YOU DO NOT WORK HERE."
she finally convinced him to get up and leave with us. he kept insisting that he was just trying to help people- that the information desk was empty so he figured it was up to him to provide the information that people may need. he said he gave some couple a map. god knows how long he had been sitting there providing his services.

we leave and are headed back to jeff and jenny's apartment and i am thinking things to myself like okay that was fun i am ready to come down now i just need to come down. and we get back and then people started showing up at the apartment. uh how did this happen i don't want to deal with a party....okay well i'll be fine as long as i come down- that's it i'm just gonna chill and come down.

so maybe 10 minutes? later i am in the bathroom looking at my face in the mirror and i'm all clammy and my left eye looks like it's upside-down like a picasso painting or something which always happens when i take fucking acid and i'm staring at my eyes- they are black and glassy all pupil, i keep feeling my hair it's stringy and doesn't feel like it's mine and then SHIT i think i just took some pills what did i just take? i try to remember what happened i bought some pills from some girl and then i took them WHAT DID I JUST TAKE? WAIT i wanted to come down AUGH FUCK.

i am pissed at myself and confused- how did this happen? i stare at myself in the mirror and i don't recognize who i see and for a second i can see how out of control it is and i don't know why i keep doing this.

i manage to get out of the bathroom and i fall sink into a recliner and watch everyone. in and out in and out people coming and going and i can see through them i can see right through them and they don't know what the fuck they're doing either. i can see it clear as day, the things they are trying to cover up, their insecurities, their motives, and it disgusts me. for the next howevermany hours i sink deeper and deeper into the chair, seeing the sad truth in everyone- they passed by me in slow motion and it was all so clear what we were doing and i wanted it to just be okay but i had a horrible sinking feeling that it wouldn't be.

angie saw me sitting there and what i was doing- she pulled me out of the chair and took me into an empty room and she just talked and talked, she pretty much told me her life story until i was able to start talking and interacting again. i was really glad she came along and coaxed me out of the bad head trip. i decided i couldn't keep doing this shit, i just couldn't handle it anymore. she probably agreed with me i can't really remember.

wouldn'tcha knowit but the very next night so and so got some really good pills or coke or whatever it was and well, whatever fuck it let's go.

bunny porn

this is probably the most amazing video i have ever taken. i was bunny-sitting my friend's stinky little relentless bunny oliver, who was totally obsessed with lilly, my fat-ass cat. the best part is at the end...

and bingo was his name-o

the kid: tita meel? (tita= filipino word for aunt, altho we are not actually related...)
me: yes?
the kid: we gonna crash?
me: no.
the kid: we gonna crash meel?
me: no. we are not gonna crash.

-5 minutes later-
the kid: we gonna crash meel?
me: no
the kid: meel?
me: yes?
the kid: we gonna crash?
me: no that's not going to happen.
the kid: cars crash!
me: OKAY but NOT US.
the kid: we gonna crash daddy?
crazy maniac behind wheel: no, no crashing today.
me: just because your daddy's maniacal driving is giving tita meel an anxiety attack does not mean that we're gonna crash.
crazy maniac behind wheel: (glares via rear-view mirror)

this is how quite a bit of our 7 hour drive from baltimore to providence rhode island went on thursday. well, it got a lot worse (not the kid's questions, more like the maniac's road-rage vs. my backseat-driving)

i don't think the kid was asking if we were going to crash based on anything that was ACTUALLY happening. it's more like he is obsessed with cars, the movie cars, playing cars, and talking about cars crashing. but after the millionth time of him asking if we were gonna crash it started getting a lil creepy.

this is the 37th time he sang the bingo song:


my plan was to write my essay for my stupid english class during the ride. over the course of 7 hours, i wrote 1 sentence. than, i actually ended up changing the topic of the essay and wrote a new sentence. now the essay is due tomorrow and i will have to write it tonight (at least that killer sentence is out of the way) because this is really the only way i get things done. give me a 7 hour time frame one week before it's due? not gonna happen. i can ONLY do it the night before (after i decide to do some blogging).

so i got my squirrel tattoo finally (credit to steve williamson @ artfreek tattoo). that's right a squirrel. modeled from beatrix potter's "squirrel nutkin." i decided that i would need a good story to tell people when they ask why i got a squirrel. because trust me, just telling people i was getting a squirrel prompted so much annoying explaining that i have to come up with something good. because PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW. like on miami ink- apparently the way to get tattooed on the show is by having some long heartbreaking story that goes along with your tattoo. either that or you have to be a miami cheerleader type in a bikini, boobs flying everwhere, in which case when they get to they whole, "so tell me, why are you getting a mermaid on your inner thigh?" part the chick goes into some explanation as to the significance of what mermaids mean to her and how it will affect her life and give her the confidence she needs to get up and face the world type of shit AHAHAHAHA.

so here is my idea (because i have noticed that saying "i don't know, i guess i just like squirrels" doesn't seem to satisfy people). i will say that one time i had a dream that i was walking through the forest, alone and cold and scared. and then a squirrel appeared in my path and told me it was going to protect and guide me. that it would sit on my shoulder and guide me through life as my spirit animal. and then i woke up and have felt like an inner peace even since and that i just knew i had to capture the squirrel and keep it with me forever, permanently etched on my body, it's spirit walking with me forever. too much?

the kid wanted a lion tattoo. we had to work around some paperwork/legality stuff but we got the job done.
oh yeah and we stayed at my friend's (the crazy maniac who drove) parents' house and they collect insane artwork, like this lady's head growing out of the flower (vagina symbol? i don't know).

and also, this....whoa.

english 10gofuckyourself

so i am bitter because i am in fucking english 102. a 5 week summer class. so that means 4 days a week for 2 hours in the middle of the stupid day. ARRRGGGHHH. this is what i say every day in numerous text messages while sitting in this stupid class. let me tell you why it is so fucking stupid.

ok so the teacher is not any good at teaching. it is kinda sad because i can tell she wants to be all dead poets society and be all inspirational and shit but it comes across as just fucking annoying. first of all she has no idea how to command respect so everyone is online (we are in the computer lab) while she is talking and every so often she'll say, "um, could you please not do that right now because i really don't want you guys to miss anything meep meep meep...." trailing off nervously.

it is hard to witness. so i try to pretend to listen because i kinda feel sorry for her but then she starts trying to start discussions and interjects her political beliefs and brings up really annoying controversial shit and then the ex-marine tattooed guy who i thought was cute until he became a total i know everything type guy has to pipe up to set her straight and then the fucking big religious chick has to put in her 2 cents and talk about the bible this and the bible that and one time in the bible....blablabblabalabalbaabla.

and i sit there and clench my face until it hurts and try to space out but all i can think of is what a waste of time and money and energy and how mad i am because i am there. because the worst part is that i am halfway thru nursing school and then they are all hey you don't have english 102 you need to take it to graduate and i'm like are you kidding me i have already written 3976449 papers i took english 8 fucking years ago?!?!

AND she puts us in FUCKING GROUPS every day and jeezus gah we have to sit there and discuss shit that we read and then announce what we came up with to the class. so today in my group i decide that i am not going to make the first move and speak up and have to do all the talking in my stupid little group so i wait and look at the 3 other people and they are just sitting there all nervous or something not wanting to talk to anyone so i decide to see how long it will last. 5 minutes later i can't take it anymore and say "SO, what do you guys think?" ugh and it is like this EVERY DAY.

lets talk about medication that's fun right?

it has been hard to write for like 10+? years now. saying anything about anything with the phrase "for like 10 years now" feels awful strange. but anyway, it has been hard. in a way that is so frustrating and maddening that i want to just give up.

i know it is still in me somewhere and it pisses me off to think that maybe what is holding me back is the shit that i take that initially saved me that i now resent for giving me this fucking apathy and what, may i ask is worse? i can't tell. maybe none of that is even true. maybe i am just fucking lazy and all i have to do is try and i'm just giving up without even making an effort.

i cannot tell anymore i am really sick of it.

i watched a show on discovery health the other day called "coma" and it was about these people coming out of comas and they were explaining the difference between a "vegetative state" vs. a "semi-conscious state." basically what you want is a semi-conscious state because that means there is hope. and the whole thing was so fucking heartbreaking and its like thank god it's not my brother who fell off a bridge and is now a fucking vegetable and just sits there in his wheelchair and everyone is staring at him and showing him pictures and looking into his eyes and trying to find something that the doctors tell them just isn't there anymore and every day it is like this for this family. and every so often he just starts crying but he doesn't communicate, can't respond to anything.

and it is just so painful to watch and throughout the show they are saying that once a year has passed like this the hope is basically nil. and the docs are telling the family they are going to cut down on his physical therapy to 3 times a week and his family freaks out because they are being told essentially that the hope is gone and and it just went on and on like this. i cannot even imagine.

anyway i should be grateful, right?